Tuesday, July 14, 2009

"It's Quiet Here Except For This Song Now That Everybody's Gone"

Welcome to my teeny tiny rebirth as a private citizen.

I have to admit- as much as it feels incredibly liberating it's also a little sad. But no looking back now so lets get on with the show.

Ever since my divorce summer has been particularly hard for me, because it leaves me with entirely too much time on my hands. This summer I'm only freelancing 3 days a week at the office so imagine all the idleness going on in my life right now!

Technically I'm supposed to be writing, looking for work, cleaning my apartment, applying for any and every social program available to my financially-challenged ass but no, mostly when I'm here I'm hunting for stuff to watch online, igniting IM affairs with dudes younger than Mari (ego stroking, you know?) and laying around, living in a movie I like to call "Sad and Sadder" starring me and The Voices.

But it's not 100% sucky. I've realized a few essential things about myself and others, have had amazing heart-to-heart with the most amazing friends a girl could have (Jack & L... you're both PRICELESS to me) and realized that no matter how unloved I feel it's not the truth.

Because Sunday when I left my kids in NJ with Mami N cried, and yesterday K called to say she had a bad dream that Manhattan was under siege again and that she couldn't get in touch with me to see if I was alright, and she broke down on the phone.

So fuck all those hos that made me cry and hurt and upset and doubt my worth, because there are at least two little girls who consider me the center of their universe.

And if I didn't think I had a reason to even exist in the last few weeks (yes, it did get that bad... I'm good at hiding it, no?), I just found one.

*smooches...for giving me another reason to want oxygen in my lungs*
and for that I'm giving you a tiny gift in the form of a cliche, a lesson I learned the hard way: All that glitters isn't gold. use it wisely, grasshopper!