Wednesday, July 08, 2009

"Or Did I Come Along And Hit You With The Futuristic?"

I'm seeing The Roots tonight and I'm so excited I could burst. Why? OMG if you have to ask then please exit stage left of my blog and never return. EVER.

A lot of things are shifting for me this week. YES I'm on a sort of vacation while still pounding the pavement, but it's not all fun and games, folks. I also did some soul-searching in the wee hours of the night.

It's crazy hot in my apartment so my sleep was really restless on Monday. Sure, I could've gotten up to get the fan from the kitchen, but "lazy" won over "hot" so I just alternated from hiding under the covers from sheer frustration with my brain to throwing the covers across the room because it was so damn HOT.

What was I busy thinking about? God, a better question would be what WASN'T I thinking about. I can tell you for sure I was NOT thinking about how that crazy Korean wants to annihilate us, so at least there's that. And I can tell you that I did not shed any tears (PROGRESS!) during this thinking session, although if I had they would have been angry tears because DAMMIT- would it have killed the Universe to send me a damn breeze? Ugh it was so hot...

But I was thinking about my life and what I've made of it. Who I am to me and others. What place I have in this world to myself and to others. The decisions I've made and still need to make, and most importantly, my self worth.

It was so fitting that this morning I get an email from a friend saying that Beach Day should be at Robert Moses [the nude beach] and my first reaction was I'M A NASTY FAT PIG WHO BARELY DESERVES TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. And after I thought that it was like, wow, did Monday night's sleeplessness mean NOTHING to you? Yeah, I gotta work on that self worth thing is what really jumped out at me during that exchange, and it led me to some pretty drastic and probably reactionary decisions about how to change that.

Number 1- I cannot give and give to those who don't care about what I'm giving, for whatever reason. I only have but so much; I can barely afford to just give it away like candy n shit.

Number 2- I cannot care too much what everyone else is doing or thinking or saying and just handle my own affairs as best as I can.

Number 3- I cannot pass up on opportunities and adventures that are presented to me just because I'm all chickenshit. This is no longer an option. Dear Fear: Keep playing and you'll be looking for Section 8 housing with your buddy Depression over there... you've been warned.

I'm telling you... y'all ain't ready for this Depression-free Jaded. You're just not.

*smooches...breaking you off with some Jaded knowledge*
don't say I never gave yo punk-asses nothing...