Wednesday, July 29, 2009

"And Now My Bitter Hands Cradle Broken Glass"

I suppose now I'm in that stage of grief known as anger because I had this urge to yell & inflict pain like I hadn't in a very long time.

I wanted to give the whole world the finger and yell FUCK YOU to everyone and everything. And after I was through with my tantrum I wanted to be left the fuck alone... can the world do me that little favor? Stop calling me? Talking to me? Looking my way? Asking me questions? Placing things on my desk? I'm just too angry to deal right now and I can't be responsible for the damage I'll leave behind in the wake of my wrath.

I wanted to be angry at my family, friends, my neighbors, the guy who owns the deli by the train station, just everybody. But honestly, I'm just angry at myself.

Suicide, Raquel? Really? Is that what's hot on the streets? Are you really that stupid and selfish and weak and useless? Really? In that case HERE... here's the knife. DO IT! And not across like a punk ass bitch but straight down the middle like you mean it. No? THEN SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND MAN UP!!!

So many things went through my head as I lay on the couch ignoring life. Things like how embarrassed I am about how I've behaved in the past few months. And fear that this "down cycle" won't see an "up" anytime soon and will only deteriorate into a situation I will no longer be able to control.

Then I thought- Will I pass out in the street and be discovered of all my self-destruction? Are they going to take my kids away because of this? Are they going to stick me somewhere and force me to take pills when my whole adult life has been about avoiding western medicine?

Are my demons too strong to fight? Do they outnumber me? Why am I here, when so many others more worthy have had to die?

And I think I've let you all believe that I'm falling apart over a man that I barely knew because it seemed easier to use him as a scapegoat for what's really wrong. What I haven't told you is that even before this "relationship" fell apart I was already silently losing it because I don't know how I'm going to pay my rent this month, or the next month, or the next month. And I haven't told you that I get calls and letters everyday from angry bill collectors that I cannot appease.

And that, on top of all this stress, I had a crisis of conscious recently when I had to admit to myself: I'm not agnostic because agnostics still believe in a higher power. I've considered myself agnostic since the mid-90s as I transitioned from Catholic to civilian. But I have to tell you, I don't feel the presence of ANY higher power anymore- not the Universe, not Mother Nature, nothing. I suppose it was only a matter of time before the word "atheist" reared it's ugly head... and let me tell you, it's such a dark and lonely feeling.

I kept playing this part and smiling and always answering with, "I'm okay" when I really wasn't. Then it was like the Perfect Storm of shit that could go wrong: job loss, dumped, no god to pray to. It's a wonder I'm still able to tie my shoelaces.

I guess, I just don't want anyone thinking I'd fall apart so easily over love gone wrong. There were many more serious things in the works and I hadn't chose to share it before out of pride and embarrassment, and I didn't want the Jesus Freaks to come out of hiding and try and "save" me.

It's just really hard to find a place in this world when there's nothing for your soul to hold on to.

I envy those of you with steadfast faith...disposable income...someone to hold you at night...

*smooches...losing myself in the 1990's*
because honestly, only angry white boys speak to my pain right now