Monday, May 21, 2012

Faking It Til I Make It

It's my birthday week and in honor of this holiest of holy occasions, I wanted to reflect on some shit.

Clearly I'm not where I thought I'd be at all- two kids, single parent, heavy debt, fat belly, battling depression. None of that was ever in my plans. But here is where I am so that's that.

Last week, however, as I felt myself sink into one of my usual funks, I tried hard to fight it with positive thoughts and affirmations, something a friend told me she does in the mirror every morning before she leaves the house. My version of that is usually just to check and make sure I'm still relatively good-looking, because I'm vain like that. It never occurred to me that I should give my self a pep talk, too.

So here are my weapons against depression, the things I'm hoping will bring less cloudy days in the future:

1. For the first time in forever, I love my job. It still challenges me, I'm surrounded by books and literary things, and my coworkers are a fun bunch. I like going there everyday; I look forward to it.

2. I still have my health. I've not gained any weight back, my blood pressure is lovely and I don't get winded so quickly anymore. I am currently having slight issues with my uterus but I won't give in to the worries. Everything will be fine because I'm taking care of myself, as opposed to my usual method of avoidance until a trip to the ER is needed.

3. I have a great family. They're funny, quirky, crazy, infuriating, supportive, amazingly flawed and loving, and they're all mine. I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.

4. My friends are awesome. They keep me (relatively) sane, smiling and on the right side of the law. For the most part!

5. I live in NYC, where the summer is about to swoop in and make my life 10x more awesome than it usually is via free concerts, beautiful sunny days and lots of travel within the continental US and Canada. And who knows, maybe the Caribbean, again, just because!

This is in no way a cure, but I'm making a conscious effort to just decide to choose happiness over mopiness. And sometimes that will mean that I need to pull away and be in my own company for a while, to regroup. But it's all a means to an end...

*smooches...typing this post with a smile on my face*
I can still be Jaded and smile, right? or is that un-thug-like?