Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Single & Fabulous... Exclamation Point?

Before I get going on the blog post du jour, please take a look over to the right-hand side... there's a mini-BlogTalkRadio player- ON THE BLOG- for your convenience. So you can listen to the fellas from Brothers' Blog & The F$%k-It List chit-chat about the ins and outs of maintaining a relationship without having to leave my site. GENIUS, right? You know you want to listen so just freaking click it already.

Now... back to the show...

It pains me to be the one to tell y'all this so early in the morning but I, The Jaded NYer, have been afflicted with... baby fever. That's right- ever since the weather warmed up I've been seriously craving another child! And not just another child, get this... y'all ain't ready... A HUSBAND! But wait- it gets better... not only a baby and a husband... but I'd be willing to be... THE STAY AT HOME PARENT!!!

Go ahead and take a Xanax or twelve because I did when I had to finally admit it to myself (and to Smarty Jones, who by the way admitted that she, too, was very open to being a housewife!!) one balmy summer morning.

I'm not really sure where this is stemming from because LORD KNOWS my wandering eye is worse than Casanova's; I'm ALWAYS looking for the greener grass. But lately I've been thinking this whole monogamy, husband + wife + new baby thing might just = what I want. KUH-RAY-ZEE, right??

It could be those new gray hairs I found while blowing my hair out, or the fact that I'm surrounded by cute couples and adorable babies everywhere I go (Park Slope, I HATE YOU!). Whatever it is, it has me looking at dudes in a whole new light.

After my divorce, my only concern was CAN YOU GET ME OFF AND THEN LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE? Seriously, that was my mentality. Then I gave a relationship a try and it failed so I moved on to CAN YOU BE AT MY SEXUAL BECK AND CALL, BUT ONLY FROM YOUR PLACE SO I CAN HIT IT AND LEAVE?

Then when that blew up in my face in the form of back-to-back dudes who straight up LIED about their relationship statuses and had their significant others blowing up MY phone like *I* was some home-wrecking hussy, I gave it all up and took a vow of celibacy. Which was working for a good long while until it wasn't.

Which brings us to today.

I feel like- I've gone this long w/out doing the bullshit casual thing that I don't even want to go there with someone unless it's going somewhere. And drunken, whorish behavior aside, I've been able to hold onto that (for the most part anyway... y'all don't have to know ALL my GD business, sheeeit!). So when confronted with someone new not only am I wondering if I want to rip his clothes off after a night of literary discussions, I'm wondering if I can tolerate him in the long run. (And of course I meant to write "tolerate" dammit! Have you forgotten whose blog you're reading?)

I see new dudes and wonder if his idiosyncrasies will drive me to crack-cocaine or if I can live with it forever. I wonder if he's "man enough" for me, if I can see him around my kids, if we'd make beautiful babies together. And if there's a NO in any of these categories I gracefully bow out and place dudes in the FRIEND box.

Basically, while I don't mind my current state of meeting new people and dating and socializing, I'm actually looking for that dude that will make me want to settle down already. As is Smarty Jones (LOL!)

My only concern is that one day I will end up 45yrs old with tons of "friends" and no new husband or baby.

Actually I'm not too worried about not getting my baby... I can always get my Tia in DR to arrange a quickie adoption for me if need be. WHAT?! I'm just sayin...

*smooches...picking out baby names already*
and THIS time I want to name her something traditionally Spanish, like Altagracia or Zoraida or Caridad or Xiomara. Something real Washington-Heightsy... she's gonna be a DOLL, watch...