Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Cold. Bitten Into. Discarded.

He said it to be funny; his way of being a friend is to insult you until you want to slit your wrists. I chalk it up to his social retardation so I always wave it off, much like an abused spouse probably does. "I know deep down he loves me so I ignore it when he says stuff like that. Deep down I know he's a good person."

But this time he cut a little too deep.

HIM: You gonna finish that pizza?

ME: Your leftovers? For what? It's all cold, bitten into and discarded!

HIM: Like you...

It was like being slapped in the face with a slab of ice.

And maybe he did just mean it to be funny. Maybe in his mind I'm me, Raquel, Jaded, so of course my skin is thick enough to handle such words.

"The idea that words can never hurt you is a fallacy. Cruel words leave the deepest scars and are the hardest to heal from." (read on Twitter)

But it wasn't very funny because it hit a nerve. He tapped into the very thing my mirror says to me when I look into it.

Cold. Bitten into. Discarded.

Despite all the baby steps towards progress I've made I'm still such a long way from shedding this perception of myself. I feel this all the time. I talk myself out of it in order to push through and live my life, but it's there, lingering, whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I have a plan of action and I'm following my path and working towards my dream and all that, but the darkness is still there.

I get a daily reminder of the darkness- the bathtub I almost died in; the couch where I often collapse and give up in; the pain in my neck and shoulders and right ovaries. The Voices in my head.

They haven't bothered to go anywhere, almost as if they've claimed squatters' rights in my brain. And OH does it ever make my life that much harder to tolerate! As if this world weren't already a shit-storm to live in, I am one of the lucky few who get to live it with depression as a tag-along. Oh joy!

Thankfully I also have reminders of better, happier things, too.

*hugs all of you*

*smooches...letting you know that I know I'm not cured*
just in case you were thinking I was masking my problems again. I'm not. I know they're still there. Let's just say I've learn to deal with them better. *hides whiskey behind my back*

also... you'll notice the show link isn't in this post. that's because I have the BTR player on my page. You can listen to the show RIGHT HERE w/out going anywhere. You can thank me later...