Wednesday, September 02, 2009

The Jaded School Of Parenting: Lesson One - YOU Are The Parent

Okay, people. I know I've touched upon child rearing before on this blog and on Monday Musings, but let me tell you what has been driving me nuts since I started working from home more: MY NEIGHBOR AND HER DAMN BRATTY KIDS.

Remember when I wrote this post about my fear that she was physically abusing her children? Right. Well I take it all back. She is not abusing them; those kids are just GRADE A BRATTY McBRATTERTONS and I am seriously 2 more episodes of screaming away from walking over there, belt in hand, to handle this shit myself.

But then I had to take a few deep cleansing breaths and remember- this kid is only doing what she knows. Therefore, the fault lies with the parents. A child who acts out by screaming and crying and throwing things learned that that is an appropriate way to deal with being upset via the parent or guardian. PERIOD. Do not dispute me on this. I have many years under my belt dealing with kids. I know from whence I speak.

Don't like it? Feel offended? Well, see that little red X atop your internet browser? Feel free to press it and keep it moving the fuck on. Because I'm TIRED of having to witness so much bad ass behavior from kids who are in desperate need of parental guidance. ESPECIALLY when that behavior disrupts what was supposed to be a relaxing afternoon on the couch watching movies on Netflix.

So in the name of my sanity, I'm going to extend the lessons from Monday Musings' Child Rearing episodes onto the blog. For free. Because did I mention MY SANITY IS AT RISK HERE?

Lesson One: YOU ARE THE PARENT. That's correct. You are the grown up, the one in charge. The head honcho. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. When I read about kids & parents locked in a "power struggle" I get so confused because, um, who's in charge here? Why is there even a question? Why the struggle? If it gets to that point then you have FAILED as a parent already. YEAH, I said it. If your child has the AUDACITY to even dream about questioning your authority you've F-A-I-L-E-D.

This shit needs to start early. Your three-day old baby starts crying, demanding food a whole hour earlier than she's scheduled to eat? TOO FUCKING BAD, KID. Wait an hour. And shut the fuck up. I run this shit, not you, and the sooner you learn that the happier your childhood will be. Trust me.

It's really not rocket science. Really, it's not. And of course I'm not advocating being a bully; I'd never speak to a child that way. But ask my ex- even when my girls were newborns I used a stern, no-nonsense voice with them to keep them in line. Babies remember that shit. And it will resonate when they are toddlers and are testing your patience. Use the stern voice and it'll trigger a memory from when they had to sit in their own poop for an extra 20mins because they were acting a fool during diaper-changing-time.

If you take nothing else away from this post please always remember- YOU ARE THE PARENT and it is your job to regulate and raise that child to respect your authority. Kids NEED that discipline in their life. Don't let them down.

*smooches...thanking Grandma for her gift of child rearing*
because I'll be damned if someone who don't bring no money into this GD house gets to be the boss. FUCK THAT.