Thursday, August 06, 2009

"Waking Up" In New England

Do y'all remember that really annoying scene in School Daze when Larry Fishburne's character is yelling for everyone to wake up? Yeah, that's how I felt on the bus ride home after spending the entire weekend encased in this love bubble of protection and safety and understanding that both Nina & Cathi created for me. I've been in this self-induced coma for MONTHS if not YEARS and it was about damn time I woke up from it.

I've been in this haze, going through the motions like a robot- from house to work and back again- starving myself of food, human contact and life in general. It was really touch and go there for a minute.


On a particularly rough night (which I now know was a side effect of PMS Week which I hadn't even realized I was in the middle of until The Lady showed her ugly face Monday evening), one where I called her sobbing so hard she couldn't even understand me, my sweet Cathi uttered the words that quite possibly saved my life: Just come here for the weekend.

She even offered to pay for the ticket.

Without even stopping to care about anything else I needed to do that weekend I said YES and proceeded to contact Nina to see if she, too, would be free to hang out. And lucky for me YES, she was. The ticket was bought, I packed my bag and went to work the next day with such a pep in my step it was ridiculous. I was getting the hell out of Dodge and that's all that mattered.

My ride up was rather grueling- traffic turned the trip into 6hrs of sitting by the toilet (GROSS) with two really bratty and restless kids behind me (THEY GOT SIDE-EYES MORE THAN ONCE).

But when the bus finally pulled into South Station and I saw that familiar structure, knowing that Nina was just a few feet away I felt really calm all of a sudden. And when we got to Lawrence and Tia was there with some moro and spaghetti and a salad I was beyond grateful (how she doted on me so... reminded me of Grandma, of what it was like to have someone take care of me... she'll never know the GOOD those two days in her presence did me). And the bar hopping amongst the local DominiCOONS of Lawrence (which is the Washington Heights of the North) while conversing about life and such with my cousin was like... was like just THE THING I needed.

The next day Tia made me the most delicious sancocho that dragged my appetite out of its funk, and we- Nina, her brother Tito and his son, Wes- sat around the table AS A FAMILY and talked and caught up and it was beautiful. There was family gossip, beisbol stats and updates and just plain good times.

Then there was pool time fun with Tito's daughter, Daphne, who I'm totally in love with and plan to kidnap ASAP, right before we trekked down into Western Mass to visit my other hostess, Miss Cathi herself.

After some incredibly tight hugs there was more bar-hopping and drink-consuming the likes of which I haven't done in ages, and it felt damn good. It felt good to laugh and watch Nina break hearts again. It felt good to feel the whiskey go down my esophagus again. It felt good to play pool again. And yes, it even felt good to be around and embraced and manhandled by the opposite sex again... even if he was white.

Sunday was more low-key: a family BBQ for Cathi's beau's sons' birthdays followed by more quality time with my family in Lawrence. I almost didn't want to go back to Brooklyn because it felt so much like home to me, sitting there with my people talking sports and news and everything... I didn't want to go. This was why I was so hard-pressed to go to DR... this was what I needed.

However, my demons were not going to leave just because I go away; I realized that on the bus ride back to the city. I needed to come back here and face my reality- my messy house, finances, brain, life- and try and fix it.

This week I haven't bothered to make any bold moves, only tiny baby steps. Like meeting The F$%k-it List at Wingate for the Robin Thicke/Jazmine Sullivan concert, and attending a writing group meeting in BedStuy on Wednesday night by myself and not bailing at the last minute. But every little step I take makes me feel that much stronger and comfortable with living this life. Not better, still depressed, still in need of serious mental health assistance, but comfortable with this life, and ready to make it better.

And I just want to thank you all for your patience, love, well-wishes, phone calls, emails, invitations to go out, text messages, DVDs and YES, even your prayers, during this very difficult time in my life. My cup runneth over...

*smooches...hoping that it only gets better from here*
I'm also thinking that I may open the blog back up in the next few weeks after these posts have had time to get buried in the archives. no one ever reads the archives. TRUST.