Thursday, April 24, 2008

Just De-lovely And Delicious

Yesterday was Lani's birthday... she's been celebrating all week but my old and tired ass only signed up for Wednesday.

We had lofty plans: dinner, Tokyo Police Club over at Sound Fix in Williamsburg, and since we were in the 'hood, a pit stop at Bembe. However... we is OLD, okay?!?! We both showed up to dinner ALREADY TIRED... WTF? Are we 80? And then the Thai food at Sea kicked our asses with a mega-ultra case of the 'itis... damn spicy pad Thai noodles and curry puffs... we never made it in time for TPC (but that was the waiter's fault... he kept trying to push dessert on us. Didn't he see me passed out at the table? Where was I going to fit dessert? I already look like I'm three months pregnant...) and Bembe was out of the freaking question. We could barely get out of our seats let alone shake our respective groove thangs!

So we just found a quiet-ish bar, The Soft Spot, downed some beers and a couple of shots and just laughed and laughed and laughed. Because that's what me and Lani (Lani and I???) do when we hang out- make fun of shit and laugh till we pee our pants!

Then, of course, I pulled out the camera, and Lord Jesus WHY did I do that?? Here's what came of it:

Did I die and somebody forgot to tell me?? I looked a HOT GHETTO MESS! Am I not the palest colored person you've ever seen or WHAT? I look anaemic, or like I haven't seen the sun since the Reagan Administration... who the fuck drained MY blood straight out my face?? Lani keeps threatening to hold me down and put make-up on me... quietly, I might have to let her! I cannot go around with the pale face! I need some sun POST HASTE!!

But the camera was good to Lani, and to our hot new friend Matt the Bartender, who described this one tequila as, what was it again Lani?- a delicious piece of crap? Damn, I can't remember, but it was funny as hell:

And because I fancy myself a young, female, Latina Scorsese (NOT!), we shot this teeny video inside the bar:

But here's the best part of the night; you ready for THIS? After Lani and I part ways and I hop on the L train... this British dude tries to pick me up. Swear on a stack of bibles!! I mean blonde, wiry, accent-havin British dude "chattin me up" on the subway platform.

And this is where you all will realize how truly evil I am, as well as how truly devoted I am to this blog, because even though I found him unattractive and corny and BLECH, I went for a drink with him in Chelsea instead of taking my old, tired, pale 'itis-havin ass home. Because I just KNEW it would produce great material for this post! We grabbed a quick (and free!) beer at Fiddlesticks while he went on and on about health care or something, tried various times to kiss me AND tried to convince me to go home with him.

Because he wanted to, and I quote (here comes the money shot!!!): "kiss and cuddle with me all night."


HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Not on your life, buddy!! Do I look like I just fell off the okie-doke bus? I'm not trying to be a cautionary tale for young Dominican bloggers, no thanks! And he's like "Why not? I'm not a bad person. I'm not crazy." Uh, I beg to differ, home slice; do not confuse my unusually pale face for that of someone who goes home with random dudes who "chat her up" on the subway!

Plus, he ain't had no lips! I mean NOTHING- just a slit in his face to shove food and drink into- gross! He probably had a small, thin penis, too *shudder* nah, man... As attractive an offer as that was (LMAO! I'm pure evil) I kindly rebuffed the kisses AND the cuddles.

When he asked for my number? Yeah, I gave him the Yahoo email address that I rarely check. Kiss and cuddle with that, buddy! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

I finally convinced him that NO I wasn't going home with him and that YES I was taking the subway home and NO he was not going to pay for me to take a cab instead and went on my merry way... only to find myself in the middle of an almost brawl between a crazy homeless dude who didn't want anyone to sit near him, and some dude who looked like he had a knife in his pocket.

But hell if I was moving from my seat- I was tired! I just turned up the volume on Roscoe (that's my LG Chocolate phone/mp3 player for you newbies) and waited it out. 'Cause y'all know- I'm hardcore like that...

*smooches...getting too, too, TOO old for this shit*
why do I feel like I've written that before? Oh, and check out Lani's versions of what happened last night here and here.

Title courtesy of Deee-Lite, "Groove Is In the Heart"