Friday, April 04, 2008

I Really Don't Know Life At All

With the exception of the past year, I've been in school my whole life. Which says a lot because I'm creeping on 33's door. And plans are already underway to go back next year (damn you, GREs!! Damn you to hell!!). I'm what people call a career student.

Throughout my academic life it was always important for me to "know" things; I was obsessed with finding the answers to everything. I suppose it's what drew me to math and science, seeing as those two subjects are "solvable" and have very little grey areas. But I also remember looking things up just because. I had this set of encyclopedias (remember encyclopedias?) that I would read. For fun. In my leisure time. For real.

So you can imagine that things without answers were my pet peeves. You know what doesn't have answers? Religion. Oh yes, I took it there. You know what else evades concrete answers? The psyche. These two subjects are the proverbial thorns in my already achy side.

I couldn't wrap my head around the Catholic Church's "blind faith" agenda so I left. You mean you have no proof? I'm just supposed to take your word for it that this dude died for MY so-called sins? I'm sorry, Father Pico, you're gonna have to come up with something better than that...

And lord only knows that I will never be able to solve the mystery of how and why so many voices have taken up residence in my head, and what exactly keeps them from telling me to just take out a room full of motherf*ckers with an assault rifle. Never say never bitch... we're biding our time... wait for it, waaaaiiiit for it...

But, the thing about me is, I'll never stop looking for those answers. And this will either bring me peace or drive me mad.

So while on this answer-seeking journey, a few things have happened to me lately that have really pushed the envelope on how many loose ends my brain can handle at once. First- my health has hit a nasty bump and I can't seem to get back on track. Second- my relationships are slowly but surely falling apart, unravelling or just filling me with anxiety. And I mean all relationships- friends, family AND lovers. And third, JACK adds this god-forsaken, thought-provoking philosophical question to the end of his recent blog post that is the mind-numbing equivalent to the chicken and the egg puzzle. And now my head hurts.

Over a month ago, I watched an episode of The Salt n Pepa show on, and the ladies went on a retreat with this life coach to try and squash their beef. I really liked the stuff the life coach was talking about, the techniques she used to help them uncover the answers to their problems, and so I looked her up.

The Google search brought me to the Omega Institute, one of these new-agey places that I always poke fun at but secretly want to be a part of. And they had a conference coming up in April in NYC. And they were offering scholarships to attend the conference. And three of the voices in my head thought it would be a good idea to apply. And I got it. So I'm going.

The conference is on "Being Fearless" and part of the application process was to reveal what fears were holding me back, and what did I think myself capable of if I could release this fear. And, I mean, I'm afraid of soooo much- would people like me if they knew the REAL me? what happens after I die? does he like me back or am I just another fuck-buddy? Will I make rent next month? what's the source of this pain in my side? what if my mom started reading my blog?- but it all pretty much adds up to:

I'm afraid of not knowing the answers to everything there is to know in the time I have left in this world.

So JACK, I don't really know if wisdom breeds pain or vice versa, but thanks for sticking that thought in my head for all eternity. And I don't know if Jesus is God or what it is that keeps me glued together day after day. And I really don't know if attending guided meditation sessions at a conference in Midtown will put me on the path towards making things better and/or releasing my fears. But like Diddy, I can't stop, won't stop, until I find some answers. Whatever it takes.

Even if I have to do yoga and eat tofu and wheatgrass for a whole freakin' weekend... because I NEED to know. Everything. Now.

*smooches...actually looking forward to a weekend full of freaks like me*
and I'm sorry if this post is all over the place, but when you have so many thoughts fighting for attention, this is how they end up "on the page"

Title courtesy of Joni Mitchell, "Both Sides Now"