Saturday, April 19, 2008

...Been Raining All Night...

I have a full report on the "Being Fearless" workshops I attended last week in the works, but as I reflected on what I got from the whole new-age, self-help experience, I perused some of my old journal entries, sort of reflecting on my life so far, and this particular entry, titled Life, Or Something Like It, something I had posted on my old MySpace page before I cancelled the account, really jumped out at me.

It was written shortly after THE BREAK UP HEARD AROUND THE WORLD in August of '06, while my girls were with their dad for the summer and I was still working in The Basement, right before I shed 20-some-odd pounds from sheer depression. Yes... I actually used the "D" word, because what else would you call going through the day like a robot, not eating, not sleeping and not caring? I'm woman enough to admit it.

To enhance the trip through the eye of my internal storm, download this song, and maybe do a few shots of whiskey.


5:30 AM- alarm on cell phone, tucked under my pillow in case of 4AM phone calls, goes off. I shut it and go back to bed, aware that I will eventually need to get up.

7:30 AM- force myself out of bed. Well actually my couch...I don't use my bed anymore...

7:40 AM- turn on JOSHUA, check my email, write a little, surf a little.

8:00 AM- think about making breakfast and decide not to. Drink water instead and hop in the shower to re-wet my hair that I didn't blow out- AGAIN- the night before.

8:30 AM- get dressed, brush my teeth, shut JOSHUA down, head for the train...another day in the basement.

9-ish to 5:30 PM- pretend to be busy at editing and writing bullshit articles at my bullshit job. Exchange witty conversation with Marcin and Natasha. Try to avoid Paula, Jack, Hope and Bluma like the plague.

5:35 PM- Marcin and I walk to the train, relieved to be out in the fresh air, and ride home discussing very important topics like him moving to France to be a photographer and me moving to England to study...whatever the hell I decide to study, and later meeting up in Portugal to "hang out" and get coffee.

6:15 PM- I'm home. I load up JOSHUA again, only this time I read my soap updates, surf the job boards and myspace, chat a little with school chums and update my other blog (no you cannot have the URL...)

7-ish PM- check in with LeKisha for our daily gossip fest. Think about cooking but don't. By this time I'm either way into my iTunes playlists or watching a DVD; depends on the alignment of the stars.

8:00 PM- I finally start writing, moving my manuscript along, making notes to myself for things I need to do or how I need to end the stories.

9:00 PM- I get a little hungry. Maybe I'll eat some baby carrots and spinach with some pasta, maybe I'll get broccoli and brown rice from the Chinese. Depends on the phase of the moon.

10:00 PM- I'm wrist hurts from so much typing, my brain hurts from so much thinking, my ass hurts from so much sitting. I make phone calls and go out and look for trouble.

10:30 PM- I find some trouble. I stay with trouble till about midnight then head back home to write some more.

12:30-ish to 2, sometimes 3:00 AM- I write some more; taking breaks to watch Miranda and Steve on SATC and to surf the 'net.

2 or 3:00 AM- I finally force myself into a hot shower; go over my day, think about my agenda for the next day; shed a few tears, curse a few people, plan my escape from NY.

45 minutes later- I pop in a DVD; I won't watch it, I just need it to go to sleep. In just a couple of hours my alarm will go off and I'll need to get some sleep.

*smooches... so grateful to Marcin and Natasha for keeping me sane, even if they didn't know it at the time*
I read stuff like this and realize yeah, I feel shitty now, but I was downright rock bottom then... I'm surprised I didn't swallow a bullet or something!

Title courtesy of Phil Bensen, "Way Home"