Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Can Y'all Shut Up For A Minute?

Now that my kids are gone (thank you NYC Public Schools and your mishuginah Presidents' Week/Mid-winter Recess) it's too quiet in my apartment. And you know what that means- The Voices are back.

Monday they were bitchin about the mean Ruskie that did our sonogram and then gave us a guilt trip because she had to work late. Oh yeah, and they were scaring me shitless with all the horrible things they are imagining is wrong with my right ovary. "I bet you they have to cut her open," I heard one say. "My money's on removal of that mo-fo, watch," said another. Then there's that one bitchy Voice that always has to think (and say) the worst, and she's all, "Cancer. I bet it's cancer." I hate her.

Some of them were also bitching about the S.W.A.T. dudes posted by Rockefeller Center...with assault rifles and full riot gear. "What the FUCK," I heard one Voice say. "Can't we even ice skate without being reminded of 9/11 in this bitch?" And she's right- What The Fuck? Why do we need assault rifles over by Radio City? Who the fuck is gonna come after the Rockettes?

Sunday a bunch of Voices were all mad because we slept until 5:30. PM. "We had all this shit we needed to do," they whined, "but little miss sleepy-head over here..." and I could feel them all giving me the side eye.

On Saturday the Voices were quiet during the day because someone else's Voice was being much louder- We were at Whole Foods trying to get some work done, but CRAZY (see photo) was all loud about some dude named John who stole her eggs eight years ago and now the kids are full-grown, and that he has the FUCKING NERVE to tell her she can't be their mom but she can be their nanny. AND he also has some damn nerve to be fucking Lucille and Teresa behind her back!! Bastard!

But, she kept reminding John that she doesn't want a family. They don't give her the "warm fuzzies" (her words, not mine), and oh yeah, she doesn't want to smoke crack anymore. And mind you, she's having this conversation by herself. I was the lucky audience to her rant because the couch next to her was the only one available near an outlet for my laptop.

It was like I was witnessing my future...

Saturday night, however, the hills were alive with the sound of Voices again as I took in a show at Southpaw with Lani (where some Joe Pesci look-a-like tried to pick us up) and then back to good ole Reiss for beer and conversation. It was great to see Lani again (you'd think she lived in another state; we see each other so rarely and she's like 10 minutes away by car!!) but we (me and the Voices) were a bit agitated by a) the weird short dude with the Lazy Eye who really thought he was the shit and b) Lani's man grilling us about who we're (not) dating.

Um, HELLO, McFLY?!?! I'm SOLO!! As in I come home to an empty bed every night. Thanks soooooooooo much for bringing it up in front of everyone at the bar, and for reminding the Voices of what a loser I am. They kept harping on it ALL NIGHT and it was all I could do to shut them up and make them go to sleep!!!

*smooches...not really enjoying my alone time as much as I thought I would*
but I did get to see The Kite Runner, Juno, and kick ass episodes of Lost, Degrassi TNG and Girlfriends. So it wasn't all bad!