Thursday, January 28, 2010

"I Would Wait Forever For Those Lips Of Wine..."

I had a little Come To Jesus meeting with myself the other day as I found myself in the throws of yet another major crush: I will most likely not pursue this man because I've already created a whole relationship with him in my mind. And when I do that, the real life whatever that we embark on never works.

I know, I know, "If you think it and speak it it will be," so I should stop being so negative, but I'm speaking from experience. The thing is, I don't trust myself or what I'm feeling for him. Is it really him I like, or the him in my head that I've molded and perfected? Because you know...we've already dated in real life and it didn't work out.

Yet- his arms, his embrace, it's still familiar to me. I remember the chill up my spine when we used to kiss. Somedays I thought I could honestly spend hours upon hours getting lost in his eyes. And that always made me smile. But of course that's the romanticized version of what we once had, right? It's not what's happening today, right?

This attraction is residual. It has to be. Like the aftershock of an earthquake. (too soon?)

However, I cannot deny that he has been the star of all my dreams lately, and I truly understand the lyrics to Fergie's "Clumsy" now because that's how I feel around him. I really don't know what to do with myself.

I suppose that's what's really bothering me- how out of my control this whole thing is. If he called me RIGHT NOW and asked me out I wouldn't hesitate to say yes. I'd fall right back into what we once had as if we hadn't missed a beat. The proverbial ball is in his proverbial court and that bothers me.

Of course it's all so stupid because we're different people now...what could I possibly love about him except for what I've created in my head? Do we even like the same things anymore? Do we share political views? What is his position on machete violence and Buffalo wings?

And most importantly- will he be able to tolerate The Voices and rub my tummy through countless mini-marathons of Buffy or Degrassi or Sex and the City when Lady Estrogen wields her wrath upon my uterus? Will he do this for me? Will he be that for me? The him in my head does and is; I like him a lot. But I'm so scared- YES, me, scared- to find out that the real him, flesh and bone him would rather play Madden on his XBox all night instead.

These days, I've been sleeping more than I've been doing anything else because that's where he and I are together, all smiles and butterflies and music crescendos. It's a good place. Unhealthy as fuck, but good.

Lord, but if he makes that first move, though, I'm afraid of what I'll let myself do just to be able to sit in those arms, kiss those lips and stare into those eyes for hours upon hours with a stupid ol' smile on my face. Sheeeeeiiiiiittttt...I might even let that fool convince me to- NOPE. I won't say/write it. It's too dangerous to even speak its name.

I'll let Andy say it for me...

*smooches...filled with angst, confusion and longing. as usual*
one day there will be no day... won't that be something?