Last week I was a hot ghetto mess. You read the posts. I was truly madly deeply spiraling out of control, falling into a sort of self-imposed abyss. Just darkness and blahs and it was not pretty.
And I'm too pretty to not be pretty.
So I took some action. I'm having serious dinero deficiencies so I've taken steps to rectify that (yes, writing and I are still on the outs; I'm not even looking at editing jobs anymore).
My household is out of control, and a big part of that is the lack of money but again, I'm handling it. And it helps a lot that as of Thursday the babies will be with their dad for 10 luxurious days, which gives me time to regroup. I need those ten days like a porn star needs regular HIV tests. For real.
Part of this regrouping process started last week when I enrolled in the 4-day meditation course with the New York Meditation Center, which teaches Transcendental Meditation in the Vedic tradition (look it up, bitchezzz... I can't do ALL the work for you, sheesh!).
Yes, it did cost money and yes I am short on said money, but they allow you to pay over time in whatever arrangement works for you. I figured my peace of mind was worth it.
I'll admit- I went in there with prejudice. I texted a friend: "If they offer me Kool-Aid, I'm OUTTA there!" and told a date, "Keep a look out if I start shaving my head and talking weird- steal my phone, call all my friends and stage an intervention!" But that brand of comedy is just fear of the unknown. Fear of changing.
Like, what if I lose my edge and can't be The Jaded NYer you all know and love? But that's stupid, right? I mean, who could ever stop loving ME?!?!
But then I thought- and what has living the way I've been living gotten me? Broke, semi-bitter, unhappy, unhealthy and just plain unmotivated to be an active participant in this life, just content to sit around watching movies and talking about shit I'll never do. BOO! HISS! BOO! I think I've had my fill of that.
So now I meditate, and it's only been a few days but WHOA I was not ready for the side effects. Like wanting to pass out at 3PM every day. OR not being able to remember anything for 15 of the 20 minutes I was meditating (where in the HELL was I?). Or the vivid visuals of The Beatles' The Yellow Submarine dancing in my head.
The instructor (who ended most sessions asking us to "be easy" hence the title of this post) said we should listen to our bodies in these first few weeks because it will tell us what it needs. Mine has been nagging me about getting more rest n shit. Y'all know I'm hard-headed... but something about conking out on the keyboard on my desk at work set off an alarm in my head that said, "Dammit, Raquel, listen to your body!"
So that, I will. Even though it's got The Voices all in huff. But f*ck those bitchez- they're nothing but trouble most times anyway!
*smooches...wondering how long before sleep is a friend, not a foe*
or maybe y'all were right- maybe all I need is some good BLEEP, because my body has been asking for that, too.
wait- was that TMI? *shrugs*