Thursday, August 07, 2008

F*ck You And The Electrode You Rode In On

So word around the neighborhood is that I'm a hostile patient and that's why my doctors' appointments never go well.

I say my appointments always turn ugly because doctors are masochists who have a god complex and treat the rest of us like insignificant peons.

You already know where this is going...

I had my neuro appointment, and let me start out by saying that me and The Quack do not suspect anything too serious is up; he threw around words like "pinched nerve" and "migraines" so whatever.

The part that had me ready to knock his ass out with a left hook (besides in the interview portion of the appointment when he was speaking to me in a very condescending tone), was when he was doing the EMG and stuck these needles or electrodes or WHATEVERS in my arm and asked me to contract the muscle. And I swear to you I tried as best I could but I have weak arms- I've always had weak arms. I don't lift if I can help it... I can kill someone with one swift kick because my legs stay getting a workout, but my arms not so much.

And then he felt it was necessary to explain to me what I was doing wrong, why I was doing it wrong, and what the consequences were of my wrong doing... over and over and over... SIX TIMES he repeated that shit to me like he was a Stepford Doctor and his voice box was on a loop and I was the village idiot. I've been to college, asshole. I understood you the first time. Now SHUT UP!

I was soooooooo ANGRY by this point that I started to cry- not from pain like he thought, even though HELL YES my arm was hurting like a bitch, but from pure anger and frustration. Pain I can take because I have a high pain threshold, but anger and frustration? Man, the tears were flowing like lava on my face. I just wanted him to SHUT THE FUCK UP and let me go home.

He had six muscles he needed to study. When he got to the 6th one he asked if I wanted to stop. YES. PLEASE STOP. I'M TOO PISSED TO CONTINUE.

In the end he suspects my headaches are a result of a pinched nerve causing stiffness in my neck, pain in my lower back, etc, and:

1. I do not have carpal tunnel (thank god) but
2. my trapezius muscles were hella tight (he actually said, "Oh wow, you're in knots up here!"),
3. I have a Rx for muscle relaxers (PARTY AT MY HOUSE!),
4. I have to make an appointment with a physical therapist which will then allow me to have an MRI done,
5. he gave me a list of foods to avoid in case it's migraines (so of course I'll make sure to eat extra of everything on that list!) and
6. I need to come back next Thursday to let him put those mofo electrodes in my legs.

YES, I'm going back for another EMG... what else can I do? I need to know what's up with my broke-down body!

*smooches...with a sore motherfucking arm*
he also told me the nerves in my right arm were an "anomaly" and that I've lost some of the range of motion in my right thumb... AND? What the hell does THAT mean? ENGLISH, man, speak ENGLISH!!!