Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Is It Possible To Be Dead Inside For Real?

I really can't bring myself to FEEL sometimes. And that's kinda scary!

My girls complain about dudes who are too aloof and never call back and are just UGH, and I listen and nod and offer advice and give them my shoulder... and then I meet someone who's ready to be at my beck and call and wants to be with me and I'm just like, eh, I'm going home to watch LOST. Thanks for dinner. Talk to you later, mmkay?

I mean, what the hell, right?

I wonder if I even have the capacity to love a man? I know I love my friends and my family and my kids. And I love this blog and the wonderful people I've met because of it. Oh, and I really, really, really love LOST like you wouldn't believe. I am going to cry like a baby when that show ends... I just know it!

But a man? I just don't foresee it. I just don't take them seriously and frankly, I don't see how one will enhance or complement my existence on this earth. Like, for real. Friends, YES. I cannot live without my friends. Boyfriend/Husband? BOOOO!

So I'm telling you this because I asked on Twitter and via email to my subscribers if they thought it would be a good idea for me to allow my readership to set me up on blind dates that I would then document on the blog. A bunch of people automatically said yes, seeing it as I did- an opportunity for great blog fodder.

The only voice of dissent was Mari, god love her, and for some reason her NO weighed more than all the YESes I got back from people.

Her reasoning? Well, it boiled down to it would be mean and unfair to the guys because I wouldn't be taking it seriously, just using them to make fun of them on the blog. And that's something I never considered- the dudes' feelings. It was all about me and how funny it would be to draw the awesome stick-figure cartoons of all these losers, never stopping to think that maybe they were actually looking to make a connection with someone.

Normally I'd say FEELINGS-SCHMEELINGS and do it anyway, but I don't want to be that kind of person, not even to men.

With the exception of my marriage, I've never really been there for any man I've dated. Okay, I lied... ESPECIALLY in my marriage I haven't been there. I find it to be the hardest thing in the world to get close to a man, to be NICE, even, or to care what the dickens he's talking about. Sometimes I can see a guy trying to get close to me, attempting to get a certain reaction out of me- a smile, a thank you, a hug, a kiss- and all I can manage is a "whatever" as I walk away or change the channel or shove him out of my face.

Right about now Lani is screaming out loud, "Where the hell does she FIND these guys, and how does she get them to fall for her?!?!"

*shrugs... then notices amazing rack and flashes an evil grin*

Wish I knew, hon, wish I knew...

So I won't be going through with the blind dates for the blogs.

No blind dates for the blogs, no blind dates on Monday Musings, NO BLIND DATES AT ALL.

And until I can get my heart looked at by a cardiologist (I swear something is disconnected somewhere... it has to be), no more dates. Period.

*smooches...worried that my non-concern for this should be a concern*
you know, I really, truly feel sorry for any one who:

1- has to analyze me
2- has to live with me
3- ends up in love with me

poor suckers...