Monday, October 20, 2008

C-I-L-L My Landlord...And Other Musings...

Monday Musings Tackles Fashion Retards- News At 11!
You... yeah, you... in the purple Uggs... and you with the goddamned shiny sticker still attached to your goddamned fitted... both of you, LISTEN UP: This week's Monday Musings w/The Jaded NYer & Friends is talking about you- Fashion Don'ts!

Yeah I said it- purple Uggs and stickers on your caps are fashion-fucking-don'ts, and whoever told you different was lying to you so that you'd spend your hard earned money on some bullshit.

Tune in tonight at 11:00PM while Irene (of and I highlight some really truly god-awful fashion, in our attempt to shame you into STOPPING THE MADNESS! Feel free to call us with any clothing and style blunders you've seen or committed at 718-766-4011.

"Bobbing For Weird"
I attended a penis-licious bachelorette party on Saturday for longtime reader Kate, thrown by her sister, longtime reader Kelly (sender of the books from heaven) and I have to say... I've never seen so much penis in my life. Oh, I'm not complaining... just wish they had been real-life in the flesh penis... *sigh*

I mean, the things you can buy for a penis-themed party is just AMAZING! They had pasta, serving dishes, hard candy, pencil toppers, gummy candy, and CAKE (with cream filling!) all shaped like a penis!

And please, let's not forget the Pin the Macho on the Man game... HILARIOUS!!!!

At one point Kate told us of a party game someone's mom suggested to her (which she turned down, cause she's smart and non-gross!), where you take a hot dog, tie it around your waist, stick it into a bowl full of thumbtacks and see how many you pull out. The guest with the most tacks wins. Um, yeah... one of the other ladies at the party appropriately named that hot mess Bobbing for Weird.

And ohhhh, my goodie bag was so goodie... because it came with a vibe. YUP, and I don't even use those things but guess what? This bad boy was free so he's living with me now. All I gotta do now is gather up the nerve (and sexy partner in crime) to use it.

We'll NEVER Get A Record Deal...
But me and my baby know how to rock out in our tiny, messy apartment.

And when she's older, I know it's shit like this she'll remember. So fuck the laundry and the dishes, me and N have some tour dates to tend to... and no, we won't comb our hair or put strings on our guitars for those shows, either!

C-I-L-L My Landlord
It's Sunday. I'm recovering from the penis festivities, resting from my gummy-penis candy sugar-induced coma and my allergic reaction to Kelly's cat, when what do I hear?

This hell-on-earth immediately reminded me of this old SNL skit:

(it's a bad copy so you may need to turn up the volume... Eddie Murphy was a comedy GENIUS!)

I understand you have renovations to do in the apartment next door. I understand that. But WHY ON A SUNDAY?? Plus you knocked out my electricity and I couldn't play my iTunes to drown you out!!

And all the banging knocked down my little plaque with the Serenity prayer and my little blue lizard sculpture, and he's lucky they didn't break! Shoot... nobody messes with my little blue lizard... and can he please pump up the heat already? It's damn near zero degrees outside!

*smooches...gearing up for another winter in this mo-fo*
I love living here and all, but in the winter my landlord likes to play stingy with the heat. Don't let me have to call 3-1-1 on his ass, 'cause I'll do it!