Thursday, July 31, 2008

I Have The Strangest Ailments...

But first-

NYers (and those who envy us)... it's that time of the month again... FIRST SATURDAYS at the BROOKLYN MUSEUM! And this month, lord help me, the theme is centered around the West Indies!!!!!

And you know what that means... the dance party at the end of the night will be chock full of REGGAE!!!! Roots, dancehall, dub... you name the reggae style and it will be played! So come on out, enjoy the evening's festivities (which includes steel pan music at 3PM, a film, arts and crafts, a dance troupe) and watch me make a fool of myself on the dance floor. SOBER! :-D


Now back to my ailments...

You ever get something and say to yourself "This mess only happens to me?"

While I was living in Riverdale, I'd get these terrible dizzy spells where it felt like I was riding a sit n spin on top of a water bed. Something as simple as looking to my right would make the room turn and turn. It made me so nauseous I couldn't stand it.

I finally went to the doctor... and of course I walked my dizzy ass the 6 blocks over there instead of asking my ex to drive me, because I'm stubborn like that, being very careful not to move my head from side to side and taking slow, steady and calculated steps. I must have looked a hot ghetto mess.

When I get there, my very stern and efficient German doctor (oh how I miss Dr. Schumann! she was no joke; all business, no coddling, just here's the deal, here's what you need to do about it, now goodbye!) ran a series of weird "tests" where she made me sit up, grabbed my head and then very quickly made me lie down and asked if I was dizzy.

HELL YEAH, BITCH, DAMN! Warn somebody before you do that mess!

Next she turned my head from side to side really fast and asked the same thing. Then she asked me to lay down and grabbed me again, this time making me sit up quickly and forcing me back down again. I was seriously thinking to myself, "This woman has lost it! What the hell is she doing? And WHERE did she go to Medical School? Nazi Germa... oh... never mind..."

Finally she sits me up carefully and says in her uber thick German accent:

"You have vertigo. Take this for the nausea. Don't work until you are feeling better."

And sent me on my way.

Vertigo! Like in the freakin' movie. Can you believe that mess?

At the risk of getting snatched up again, I asked her what causes it, and she said an inner ear imbalance, perhaps tiny crystallized whatevers loose in my inner ear, banging around in there, cause me to be all helter-skelter. And no, she couldn't go in there and get it because the inner ear is oh so delicate and the whatevers were so teeny tiny... there was no way. Sonofa...

A few months later, the whole vertigo incident behind me, I felt something strange in the back of my throat. Something like food that was refusing to be swallowed, as if my throat was not allowing it.

I tried everything- brushing, drinking different liquids- hot, cold, fizzy- but nothing would get rid of whatever was back there.

Finally, I took a flash light, tried to keep my gag reflex in check and went to investigate. Right there on the right side all the way in the back of my throat... some unidentified white spots. I immediately freaked out- Cancer? VD? And if it's VD will the judge show leniency after I kill my ex for giving it to me?

(Because of course I was looking for any reason to prove he'd been unfaithful and gave me something, so that I could make out like a bandit in divorce court...)

I was in a total state of panic, but for some reason, I went in there with the back part of my toothbrush and started poking at the white spots. AND ONE OF THE "SPOTS' BECAME DISLODGED AND I ALMOST CHOKED ON IT!!!!

Talk about freaking out! A voice in my head was like "Oh my god! We swallowed VD!!!"

Again, I went to Dr. Schumann, who also went in there with a tongue depressor and dislodged a couple of the "VD spots" (that's what The Voices and I called them) and said:

"They are calcium deposits stuck in pockets of your tonsils. Go see this ENT to be sure."

The ENT confirmed it- I had these deep pockets on my tonsils that would ocassionally collect these calcium deposits. WHAT THE HELL? He said all I could do was let my throat muscles dislodge it naturally or do it myself as I had done at home with a tongue depressor, etc.

"Can't you seal up the pockets or something?"
"No, the area on your tonsils is too delicate and have many tiny capillaries. You could bleed out if I try to suture it."


"Well, then, can you just take out my tonsils?"

He starts laughing this pompous little laugh that made me want to give him a swift slap across the face.

"No, no, we don't remove tonsils anymore."

Right at that moment, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that I contemplated a quick trip to Santo Domingo, where they have NO PROBLEMS removing your tonsils and hell, why not, even your inner ear!

I tell you, man... this nonsense only happens to me...

*smooches...wondering what fresh hell my 40s will bring*
my twenties were all about ENT trouble and my thirties is looking like the decade of the reproductive organs. next up, I guess all that will be left is for my left eyeball to just pop out of its socket and dangle around my nose.

but they won't be able to fix it, you see, because the area around my eyes is much to delicate and might bleed out. And they don't *do* those kids of operations in the U.S. anymore...