Sunday, July 20, 2008

She Kept Me From Becoming A Heroin Addict

Lil Miss K was born thirteen years ago today in a backwoods hospital in Wellsville, right smack in the middle of my experimental college days, delivered by a midwife who made sure I was not given any painkillers whatsoever.

Til this day I'm *shocked* that she was born perfectly healthy, brain in tact, good size, no medical problems.

*SHOCKED* I tell ya...

I can't say I was happy to be a mom at 20; just ask Celia- she was there when I got the god-awful news from the midwife at the health center. To say that I "cried like Niagara Falls" is an understatement.

There went my gig teaching Catechism classes. There went my good standing in the family. There went my lofty ideas of traveling to Spain and Portugal in my sophomore year. And most especially, there went my chances with that cute Kappa Psi brother... something told me he wasn't gonna be interested in me if I was carrying someone else's child.

Why did I go through with the pregnancy? I was foolishly trying to hold on to what little Catholic tendencies were left in me; in my mind it was bad enough I'd had premarital sex, but to "murder" the baby would be much, much worse. Visions of those abortion films Sister Dorothy made us watch in the 7th grade, the ones where the remnants looked like sloppy joes with tiny skeletons in it, were dancing around my head and I just couldn't.

But that's neither here nor there. The child came along and now she's thir-fucking-teen! WOW. I feel OLD!!!

She was due on the 27th; on the 19th I decided that I should begin getting ready for my hospital stay, starting with my hair. Because I'd already been warned by mami NOT to embarrass her in the Anglo hospital with my 'fro.

C had left for work and I was alone in the entire frat house where we rented a room. In the shower, immediately after I'd finished combing the dreadlocks out of my hair, I felt a little crampy. Hmm... that was weird, I thought to myself. And then I felt another cramp. Like a menstrual cramp. I totally freaked out, thinking I was about to lose the baby because I was having menstrual cramps a full week before I was due. (Early on in the pregnancy I bled a lil and was crampy all the time, so I was a bit paranoid from there on out)

We didn't have cell phones way back then, so instead I called over to the Theta house, hoping that one of my friends would answer. Thankfully, Megan and Danielle were there over the summer and got the house mother to drive me to the hospital, sending a message to C.

So I get there all freaked out like, Dude, I think I'm losing the baby!!! but the nurses were like, um, dear... you're in labor. And at that moment all I could think was, oh shit. my mom's gonna freak when she sees my hair...

They admitted me; Megan and Danielle went home and C arrived, all flustered n shit, stressing me out with his, "Are you okay? Is everything okay?" NO, FOOL, damn... I'm about to push out your demon seed without drugs... can you STOP asking me?

It looked like I was going to be there for a while, so he went home... a good two hours before my active labor began. Ain't it grand to be the dude? Getting to go home and chill while your woman is stuffing her blanket in her mouth to muffle her screams, because she doesn't want to be THAT girl who screams when she's in labor...

Finally, when they called him back they deduced that although I was in active labor and indeed in shitloads of pain, I was still not ready to deliver. Then the nurse came in with what looked like a crocheting hook... walking towards my nether regions... all of a sudden there was no pain because all I could concentrate on was Nurse Ratched coming at me with a big-ass crocheting needle.

"Um... what's that for?"
"Oh nothing, just to break your water, help move things along."
"Break my water how? You are NOT putting that thing in me!"
"You'll barely feel it..."
"It doesn't hurt, really..."

At which point C finally grew some balls and told the nurse, "Ma'am, you're not going to put that in her; trust me. She doesn't want it." and the nurse left me... amnion- and sanity- intact.

Towards the end I was CRY-ING for painkillers but no... I'd waited too long. I had to continue au natural. Damn midwife... even had the nerve to ask if I wanted a mirror- a freakin mirror- to watch the birth. What. The. Fuck? Nah, lady... I'll pass. But thanks for thinking of me!

Finally, after experiencing a pain so terrible that I wanted to grab a scalpel and pull a Jesse on C just so he'd know an eighth of the hurt I was going through, K was born. They placed her little body on my belly so she could nurse right away while I tried to pass out.

Only I couldn't pass out because guess what? I wasn't done... oh no, ladies and gentlemen, it's not over when the baby comes out... you still have to deliver the freakin' placenta. And by deliver I mean you feel another set of contractions and you have to push it out as if it were another baby. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT if you ask me...

Mami showed up soon after; brought me some food and oohed and ahhed at the new lady in the family. She ended up staying for a week- cooking and cleaning and making sure I had enough nutritional food and rest to produce enough milk to feed the granddaughter she was sure would be a grandson (yeah, right, lady! you know we're cursed to forever produce females!). Mari came up, too, towards the end of the week, the proud Titi, spoiling K already.

She's still pretty spoiled if you ask me. But in a good way.

*smooches...wishing K a happy 13th in my own Jaded way*
those wishing to send gifts... feel free to send cash, care of The Jaded NYer...