Sunday, June 01, 2008

...With A BANG!

So, before we get to the 2-hour season finale of The Jaded NYer Show, I wanted to shout out my lovelies that partied hard with me in the BK last night.

Oh what a time we had... and what better way to end the season than with DRUNK PHOTOS?? Fuck the cliffhanger, the DRUNK PHOTOS is where it's at, son!

But before we get to the PAR-TAY details, here's a quickie vocabulary lesson brought to you by Mari and Lani...

1. Dicks On Hold (D.O.H.): noun. A group of men a woman will keep on reserve but not date, that are considered off limits to all her friends.

Girl 1: Ooh, is that Peter over there? I'm gonna go holla...
Girl 2: Nah, girl, that's one of Sheila's D.O.H's...

2. Magic Pu**y (M.P.): noun. The title Lani has recently bestowed upon me, because apparently I famous for treatin dudes like shit and still getting them to do things for me. Can you blame them, though??

And now back to the show...

First of all, I dropped my kids off safely at a friends house where they were staying until I could get them in the wee hours of the night. Then the plan was to find a really cute outfit and then go home and hook up my 'do.

WELL... I couldn't find a damn thing to wear in all of Brooklyn, proof that Manhattan is STILL THE PLACE TO BE if you want to shop, and it was beyond humid outside, so all my lofty ideas about wearing my hair loose went right out the window.

Did I mention I had some serious PMS going? I think I called three different people to tell them the party was OFF, I was NOT GOING and could instead be found curled up on my couch watching Season 3 Disc 5 of Soul Food eating Teddy Grahams.

But then I remembered that Cathi was driving all the way down from MA on a 24-HR furlough from her three kids, and it wouldn't be right to promise her a party and then only have Honey Teddy Grahams waiting for her.

So she lovingly helped me put together something to wear... and helped me down four shots from the (in)famous JD bottle, and I forgot all about having wasted an entire afternoon downtown without a purchase to show for it except MORE underwear from VS.

Wait, no, actually, I didn't forget...

Dear Manufacturers of Women's Clothing,

It's me again.

Whoever decided that this year's hot item should be the boxy, crazy-patterned, short-as-hell, trapeze dress forgot that some of us have breasts and are NOT a size zero. Those dresses make us (read: ME!) look five months pregnant.

Please rectify the situation post haste.

The Jaded NYer

P.S. I hate you.

But anyway, I found an outfit, Cathi had her outfit (check out the junk in the white girl's trunk LOL)

and I found a hairdo that would work with the weather. And we were only an hour and a half late for dinner.

What? Beauty takes time, y'all, ok?! I'm OLD!

At Amin's we feasted on the best Samosas, Vindaloo, and the shrimp thing that Irene ordered that I couldn't pronounce because I was already tipsy. Plus we had wine! From a BOX! Classy, right?? LOL

Oh- but I want to give another shout out to all the fly-ass brothas that passed by us on DeKalb Avenue... Mari was busy c-blocking, but I saw you, cutie... and one to my boy Rich who's back stateside in Georgia safe and sound after being overseas for like EVER, and called to say he'd be in BK at the end of June. The drinks I will buy that kid...

After we stuffed our faces and made asses of ourselves on the streets of Ft. Greene,

we arrived at Moe's. And it was pretty wack. AND CATHI SAID IT- NOT ME: "Well we shoulda known... the DJ is white..." That girl's been hanging around me too long!

It took us all of five minutes to decide to blow that pop stand and head over to where we KNEW the party would be PUMPING: Bembe!! Unfortunately it meant that Lani would not be able to join us, but she was under the weather so I guess it's better that she wasn't around my drunk ass trying to force alcohol down her throat all night.

We hopped a cab (which had these two stuffed animals in the back seat... very weird...)

(...and Irene misunderstood the idea behind the "peace" sign...)

without so much as buying a drink at Moe's and before we knew it, we were within earshot of the Cuban Timba music that answered the lil prayer I said under my breath while on the way over there: DJ Medina was spinning- WOO HOO!!

So, we did a tequila shot, and I forget what else we drank, but it was a great night:

>Medina played two Juan Luis Guerra songs for me,


San Pedro de Macoris

>Cathi made money WITHOUT having to use a pole

>Some short white dude said to me, "If you didn't look so much like trouble, I would've really dug you." Actually smacked my hand and called me trouble! Um... if you weren't 2.5 feet tall, I might've dug you!

>I took half a puff of a cigar (hated it!)

>Ran into my boy E who later gave us a ride home

>Got molested on the dance floor... and did some molesting myself

>Re-connected with the bouncers- it's been a while since I've been to Bembe and I had to make sure they remembered me!

And Cathi got in on the action, too HA! (hi, Jim... I took REAL good care of your girl!!)

>We made new friends outside the club

After we left the lounge, me stretched out in the back of E's car and Cathi up front demanding songs, all of us partaking of the stickiest of the icky (yeah, you read correctly... it was birthday, dammit!!), we made our way to some eatery where Cathi and I downed the most delicious cheese fries EVER, and I this dude was nice enough to let me photograph him (please note I was REALLY drunk and used my camera phone in a diner with very low light... and dude was dark-skinned):


Then the drunk texting began. First with Jack...

Jack: Sleeping?
Jack: Have a beefeater london lemonade in my name
CATHI: she is all set LOL
Jack: How the fuck she texting by proxy now?
Jack: Dats some drunk mfer gotta proxy text. Does she have someone sign language interpret too?

Then with Cathi's beau...

ME: Cathi is DRUNK!
Jim: Oh now THERE is a shocker! lol

It was the perfect ending to my 33rd birthday celebration, until an uninvited guest showed up at around 3-ish and proceeded to ruin my entire Sunday. Lady Estrogen... Bitch!

See y'all on June 15th without fail. Promise.

*smooches...with bags packed and a cab waiting downstairs*
...and don't go doing anything important while I'm gone or I'll be hella pissed!! LOL

ps- because of technical difficulties, some photos from the evening will have to wait until after the break. sorry, but you see, Cathi is a natural blonde...