Monday, August 08, 2011

There's A Reason For My Abstinence: A Sort Of TMI, R-Rated Post

I've officially been sex-free for one year this month.

*throws confetti*

Yes, bitchez, it's a reason to celebrate. No, really! After almost six years of "having fun" and bed-hopping I can honestly say I still never found what I was looking for- in or out of bed- but I sure did subject myself to a lot of heartache and headaches and assholes. So I'm thinking...yeah, I'm kinda through with the bullshit.

And you know what? Sex is not all that. At least not for me. It only confuses things and sends blood to all the wrong places so you end up stalking people's Facebook pages at 3:00 AM wondering how they had time to upload all those pictures of themselves on vacation but couldn't take five lousy minutes out of their day to call you and say hi. And THEN you wonder, "Hey... with whom are you on vacation? WHO THE FUCK TOOK ALL THOSE PICTURES OF YOU IN THE HOTEL ROOM?!" That can't be healthy!

ANNNNDDDD I don't even enjoy it. It hardly ever ends well for me (if you catch my drift) so I spend most of my time acting my ass off. Literally. Like, I should have EGOT-ed by now I'm so good at faking it! But I suppose that's my fault for not speaking up, so I shouldn't point fingers anyone else for the fact that I can count on one hand the men I've slept with that have actually made me crave them...and still have a digit left over to flip them off with. (yeah I ended that sentence with a know why? Because the other way sounds pretentious as fuck. I'm tired of pretending I care about this shit anymore, too!)

Whatever the reason, I'm over it. Blame the clarity I've gotten since I started working out. Blame my age, or the fact that I'm finally starting to like myself enough to demand better. The fact remains that the next poor sap who attempts to win my heart over had better be BFFs with his hand until I know it's an actual relationship that's going to exist for a very long time. There's no way I'm subjecting myself to anymore of that sweaty, tedious and kinda gross act unless I have to because, you know, it's my wifely duties or whatever. I'm just saying.

I mean let's be I told a friend via GChat: sex is boring...there are only so many penis-meets-vagina combinations one can try before it gets old.

*smooches...wondering how many suitors I turned off with this post*
actually, it will help me weed out the losers who just want to fuck "The Jaded NYer" from the guys who can potentially be a life partner. maybe.