Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Le Sex Talk

As raunchy and outspoken as I am, there are topics I won't address in an open forum and sex is one of them. I may joke about it, make sarcastic or crazy comments for shock value, but when it comes down to it I don't really talk about sex and pretty much cringe whenever one of my friends decides to over-share.

(People need to understand that I have a VERY VIVID IMAGINATION so when they pelt me with stories of large penises inserted into their areas I CAN SEE IT. And I love you and am very much a voyeur but I DON'T WANT TO SEE PEOPLE I KNOW HAVING SEX IN MY HEAD.)

I don't really care if this makes me repressed or prudish (I prefer to say I am discreet or modest), but I don't need to see a Venn diagram about exactly HOW your guy or gal rocked your world. A simple "Oh my god it was awesome" will suffice. I will believe you. I mean, I've done my fair share (and probably YOUR fair share) of ratchetness, but I don't feel the need to advertise it. That shit is private. If I wanted everyone to know the ins and outs of my cervical cavity, I'd be Kat Stacks.

Last night I was asked to be a panelist for a roundtable discussion where we'd be answering questions by men as they attempt to better understand the female brain. (FELLAS- I can tell you right now: you will NEVER understand us and we will NEVER understand you. The sooner we accept this the sooner we can live together in harmony and have amazing sex.)

These questions ranged from the benign "What do women want?" (EVERYTHING!) to the crazy "What if your guy asked to sleep with your friend?" (Ummm, put up the PEACE sign, of course!) There were also some questions about the importance of penis size and our willingness to participate in threesomes and whether we'd help our partners out if they were getting their ass beat in a street fight (HEEELLLLLLLLL, NO! But I'd call 911 for you, boo!).

While I enjoyed myself there was a level of raunch I wasn't really prepared for and for a spilt second thought to myself "what the hell did I sign up for?" The hosts were great, though, and I never felt pressured to answer anything, and as the questions came up I began to feel a bit more comfortable answering some here or there, may have even done a bit of over-sharing my damn self. But seriously, I'm not cut out for the sex talk.

I've helped out a male friend decipher the crazy bullshit their girlfriends do in the past and this roundtable was akin to that, except these were strangers broadcasting to lord knows how many folks. I had a good time and I think the show went very well, but SHEESH if I never again have to talk about sex in a public place it will be too soon!

It's just not me.

*smooches...still living under the Catholic veil*
I swear...quitting the church is soooooo much harder than kicking heroin...not that I've ever tried heroin- that shit scares me MORE than Catholicism- but I've watched Intervention and it seems to be a pretty hard habit to break. Like Catholicism.