Monday, August 27, 2007

Olive Branch, Extended Via MySpace

Knock it if you'd like, but since I returned to myspace this year (or was it last year?) I have reconnected with no less than SEVEN lost friends and relatives: four friends from college and three cousins that I lost touch with when I left Brooklyn in 1993. So it's not just for pedophiles and baby prostitutes; sometimes it's for finding the ones you didn't even know you were looking for until you get that friend request and realize...DAMN! Where have you been? I've MISSED you!!

This weekend I *finally* got back in touch with a cousin from the Penzo side that I hadn't heard from- or about- since were were kids. I felt like he was some dirty little secret we weren't supposed to talk about, but nobody would tell me why. It wasn't so much like he fell off the face of the earth, it was more like they pushed him! And of course, nosy bird that I am, that made me want to know where he was more than anything.

This weekend he sent me that friend request, and at first I was like, "Who da fuck..." and then after careful inspection of his page I long lost dear cousin!

If you're not familiar with myspace, let me explain that once you've added a new person to your friend list, it is then customary to go through their page, pics, etc, and check out who they have on THEIR friend list. So I'm going through Primo's page and there it is...the page I didn't know I DIDN'T want to find until I actually found it.

My brother.

Readers, last year I was supposed to attend his HS graduation and I flaked at the last minute. I'm not particularly proud of that, but I did it. I've always prided myself in the kind of person who'd never make a promise to a kid and not keep it- it then ruins their ability to trust as adults- but in this case I was a total scaredy-cat and hypocrite. And of course, in true scaredy-cat fashion, I never called him back to explain why, or to make other arrangements. And I've felt so bad ever since.

Truth is, ya'll already know I want nothing to do with my biological father, and that was a big part of why I made excuses to get out of the graduation. Actually, it was THE reason I didn't go. I didn't want to sit in the same row with that man and act like some happy family. Selfish of me, I know.

But my girls are curious about their family, their entire family, and it seems kind of unfair that I should enforce my non-William policy on them. It's too late for any reconciliation with me, I've already accepted that, but K and N had nothing to do with any of this estrangement. It's time I swallowed my pride and just ended this ridiculousness already.

So I sent my brother a message via myspace, placing the ball in his court, letting him know that I want to talk. A slightly less scaredy-cat approach than not talking to him at all.

It feels weird to type that: my brother. I wonder if this will turn out for the best?

*smooches...getting back on my inner peace track*
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.