Friday, October 13, 2006

What Is It? What Do You Want? And Why Are You Here?

If you loved something and set it free, and it came back to you, do you trust in the cliche or suspect that it is settling for you because other prospects were less desireable? Do you hold out for the glimmer of hope of what you think is your ticket to happiness, or do you give up the ghost and move on? And what if that ghost is being all vague and non-commital at the same time it says, "I love you"... two and a half months too late? Is it too late? What is too late? Jesus-fucking-CHRIST: Why are you still here?

As if I needed another reason to stay up at night, these are the questions that fill my head when I should be trying to eat, sleep, breathe, live. It all begins to feel so useless and pointless and I just want to find the "off" switch to my emotions. I can't stand myself anymore. Sometimes I just want to punch the me I've become in the face, knock my ass out and just snap the fuck out of it:

"Things are never going to change, Raquel. You were not built to love, or be loved by, a man. It's not in your nature. That thing that normal people have inside of them that makes them want to wake up every morning next to their soulmate? Yeah, you don't have it. You sometimes think you want it, even crave it from time to time, but when you have it you abuse it, throw it away, and lament having to spend time with it. You don't want to hold it's hand, care for it when it's sick, or kiss it in public. You won't accept its kind words, affection or flowers- so what is it that you are lamenting? What the fuck do you want?"

I want to be able to encounter the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with and just KNOW. I don't want there to be a doubt in my mind that I could wake up happy, everyday of my life with this person. That even if they break my favorite fiestaware bowl or talk during the movie or reveal to me that John Cusack is gay and will never be mine, I won't hate him; I'll laugh it off and say, "Honey, I love you," and we'll melt into a kiss. That even if he loses his job, for whatever reason, I'll want to take care of us until he's back on his feet. I want to be able to cry in front of him instead of running away. I want to love him so much that I'll let down my guard and tell him everything I am and everything I feel, without fear or reservations. I want to love somebody like that, and I want him to love me right back, just like that.

And I want to look in the mirror and know that I deserve nothing less than 110%.

I have two friends getting married next year, and another that got married last year. Seeing as my marriage was just a sham to cover up my shame, I think about these couples and wonder how they knew. How did they know that this was THE ONE, the infamous one that will keep you warm at night forever and ever? And why won't anybody tell me the secret?

Selfish bastards!

And just for the record...I LOATHE butterflies. They're nothing but trouble!!!

what's with that phone call, baby
it's like you're trying
just trying to crush me
do you feel stronger each time you push me, dear
did you tell your mom you carpet bombed
before you left here
and is it just the side effect of this dirty drug

or does each apology sound more like a shrug