Friday, May 17, 2013

Go On And Love Yourself

Yesterday during physical therapy, as I was trying to get through holding a plank for as long as possible TEN TIMES IN A ROW, I curled up into folded-leaf child pose and whispered to my body, "I hate you." Instantly I felt bad about that, but I meant it.

I hate that this body, the same one that showed such promise in modern dance all those years ago, could barely hold a plank for more than 11 seconds. And every time the PT stretched my piriformis muscle (GIRL I'm picking up so much in these sessions. Soon I'll be a freakin' PT!) I wanted to cry out, give up and go home.

It's just too much. It hurts so much. And yes, at that very moment of trying to compete all the plank reps, as well as at various times throughout the day, I hate(d) my body, for every thing it can't do and every things it does. It's clearly evident that I hate this body by the way I mistreat and mis-feed it. Somewhere along the way, my body and I had a falling out and have never sat at the table to talk it out. We only sit at the table to eat.

But those bitter thoughts aren't going to help me get through these sessions. I thought I'd be done by the end of May and instead it's looking like mid-July before I get a reprieve.

I'm trying to get to a place where I look in the mirror and smile at myself. A real genuine smile. I foolishly thought that male attention and validation would make me love my body but it didn't. I have to love it on my own terms. I'm not sure how to get there, but I'm looking to buy a ticket for that journey.

Folks, I want you to know that the only validation you need in life is your own. You need to go to bed at night at peace with yourself, knowing you fought the good fight, were kind to yourself and others, and really did your best. This is what I'm working on. This is what I want you to work on. I want all of us strutting down the street genuinely believing we are hot shit.

Can the church say Amen?

*smooches...realizing self-esteem is not my strong suit
maybe I just need more suitors...or less gray pubes...