Monday, May 20, 2013

Birthday Vacation Countdown: Things I No Longer Give A F*ck About

No fucks given
It's happening, folks! I'm encroaching 'pon 40 at full speed. I caught myself looking back recently, missing the days after my divorce when it was perfectly OK to partake of shenanigans and tomfoolery of the drunk and naked kind, and then I got sleepy and remembered: my body is asking me to fuck all that and slow down.

They were good years, though. Partying until the wee hours of the morning, surviving on fumes and whiskey, barely making rent because my job paid shit. Oh, early 30s, what life lessons thou hast bestowed upon me!

But enough of looking back (besides, my neck hurts!); I'm looking forward now and have decided that the following no longer remains a priority in my life:

1. Unlimited Alcohol Brunches. First of all, that shit is expensive. Second of all, I get drunk off of ONE mimosa these days, and that means I get sleepy, and that means WELP, there goes my whole damn Sunday. Wasted again in Mimosa-rita-ville. Meanwhile my dishes are piling up and the laundry refuses to do itself.

2. Your Pets. I'm really not going to make believe that all of those photos of your cats, dogs, bunnies, parrots, iguanas and all the other critters you've decided to bond with, are cute or worth a minute of my time. It's not OK if your mangy cat rubs up against my pant leg. I DO mind if your rude-ass dog jumps on me. And if your parrot doesn't want to meet my cleaver, it had better shut up while we're trying to have a conversation.

3. Your Kids. There are only a handful of babies I care about right now. The Other people's kids, especially the ones that talk, are just not my cup of tea. I can barely stand my own.

4. Meeting New People. I always knew I would become one of those older people that kids and neighbors steer clear of, so I'm getting ready now. I don't do small talk because RARELY am I into meeting new folks. I've got my set of personal and business relationships and there are very few openings for your third cousin twice removed. Unless, of course, he wants to publish my stories and pay me a bundle.

5. The U.S. I am slowly transitioning from a full-fledged, ride-or-die American to one who is ready to chuck it all and give deuces to this bitch-ass'd place. No explanation needed. You live here. You see what's happening.

All of my over-35 readers: feel free to share the BS you've stopped caring about as you cruise into the golden years.

*smooches...making room for my real life to begin*
this post brought to you by my birthday and PMS Week. This doesn't mean I don't mean what I've written, I just don't mind sharing it and am not concerned about sparing feelings.