Thursday, February 19, 2009

Meet The Voices

Well, here it is finally, a profile of The Voices.

I refer to them plenty and a couple of you have asked about them and WHY they have names and HOW MANY exist.

1- There are many; new ones pop up every now and then so not all of them have names, just the more vocal and prominent ones.

2- I name them because, like with everything else in my life, living or non, I like to personalize it so that I can become "one" with it, whether it be my cellular phone (Roscoe), my camera (Cookie), printer (Delilah, who actually passed away this week) or my couch (Sofia... N named her, not me!).

Got it? Good.

Welcome to my brand of crazy... I tried to warn you...

Lady Estrogen AKA The Lady
She is the dominant one in my head and pretty much rules over the other voices with an iron fist. She's the giver of the SIDE EYE and emits stankness levels that reach off the charts and, I recently deducted, hates my guts with a passion. Bitch just plum does not like me! K&N know her as "Mean Mommy"

She's a sweetie pie; a little naive but not dumb. She loves to laugh and be silly and sometimes speaks without thinking because she's just bubbly like that. She's great with the kids- K & N know her as "Fun Mommy"

She's the level-headed, mother hen of the crew, especially when it comes to work related things. She reminds me to send stuff in before deadline, to follow up with editors and to fill out grant applications whenever possible. She's a good egg, but I hardly ever listen to her (unfortunately).

She's the sloth of the crew. Whenever there's shit to do, she's the one who suggests we watch Law & Order SVU on Netflix instead. She's also the one who spends hours online surfing the net and chats online with no real purpose and gets caught up reading a magazine when really she should have been tying up the recycling. K&N know her as "Lazy Mommy"

She's a straight up hussy slut. That tattoo on my back? Her idea! Together with the late, great Justine (see below) she orchestrated and participated in some of the most unmentionable moments in my life. And that's all I'm legally able to tell you. K&K do NOT know her at all.

My sweet lil lush... Justine could drink a 200lb British dude under the table, God love her! She often hung out with Eve getting me into all kinds of uncomfortable situations, but if you remember back to THIS post, we gave her the boot in order to save my liver.

She's hella fun because, well, she's hella NUTS! This one thought it was fun to steal residential mailboxes in college, or to advise the babies to punch kids in the face for doing them wrong or to have a baby at age 20! She never fails to offer the most off-kilter advice to all my friends (Friend: How can I get out of this interview? Sabrina: Tell them fools to back the fuck up 'cause you ain't got the time!) in the name of comedy. K&N know her as "Crazy Mommy"

And then there's me, Raquel, trying to keep this 20,000 ring circus under control long enough to earn a living so I don't end up in Bellevue.

Now, excuse me while I go and tell Justine for the UMPTEENTH TIME that NO, she cannot come back.

*smooches...afraid to tell you about the other Voices 'cause it might frighten you*
and this is assuming that you aren't already afraid and vowing NEVER to meet me in person.