Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Mouse That Ate My Sanity

Here's something I bet you didn't know: this Jaded NYer is SEVERELY afraid of mice.

The thought of their disgusting, diseased-riddled bodies traipsing all over my living space, infecting the air I breathe just cause the chunks to rise in my throat and makes me shake uncontrollably.

Last night, 2AM, alone in my apartment, trying to work on my D.C. blog post, I spotted a mouse peeking out from behind my sofa. And the level of anxiety and fear that washed over me...I can't even describe it. I didn't know what to do. All I kept thinking is "How long has it been here?" "What is it looking for?" "Is there food somewhere strewn about?" "How did it get in?" and "OMG!!! ARE THERE MORE OF THEM???"

I was in full-panic mode. And didn't have anyone around to rescue me. Because I'm all Jaded and bitter and refuse to let anyone in and so I have no man and live alone.

It occurred the me that perhaps someone would still be up and come to my rescue. Mr. Baseball. So I called. And he was up, but he was working, and all he could offer me was a talking down off the ledge, or rather chair, because by this point I had absolutely lost my shit. I mean full on crying and shaking and on the verge of 100,000 nervous breakdowns and 2.7 seconds from throwing up all over my desk.

Let me add right here that, dirty dishes incident from last week aside, I maintain a messy yet clean apartment. I NEVER leave food out, I don't allow food any place other than the kitchen or dining room and I toss out my trash every other day. True I let my clothes lie where they fall when I disrobe, and my kitchen table is no longer for eating but rather for all the mail I get from Capital One threatening me because I owe them money, but other than that, I don't see what a Filthy McNasty little mouse would want in my apartment. Is he working with the CIA? WTF? WHY WAS HE IN MY APARTMENT????

When I finally saw it leave through the huge GAPING CLEARANCE under my front door (mental note: buy a door guard!) I felt a little better...but no, not really. To me, everything in my apartment was/is now tainted and I want(ed) nothing to do with it. All I could think was "He's gonna come back when I go to sleep and I'm gonna wake up with it in my hair!!!" and that visual alone made me cry even harder.

And if you think I've exaggerated any portion of this blog post so far, you obviously don't know me very well. When I say crying, I mean CRY-ING...like a little kid. As in I wanted my mom, Papi, even my ex- ANYBODY- to come and get rid of this mouse and assure me that it was gone for good.

Mr. Baseball finally convinced me to put a towel under the door to keep the mouse out after I refused to pack a bag and go to his house for the night (are you kidding? Move from the safety of my chair? with that nasty, zombie, killer mouse waiting for me out in the hall? I wasn't going anywhere!), turn most of the lights on and just go to bed.

Bed...yeah right. Bed for me last night was basically me tucking I don't know how many blankets under my bedroom door and sitting up in my bed with a broom in one hand and a flashlight in the other. Every creak in the night I heard, I imagined it to be the mouse's cronies that he left behind just to torture me.

When my body finally forced me to go to sleep, I dreamt that the mouse had come back, bigger and badder, tore up my couch, ate through my bag of bagels and pissed on my computer. After barely an hour and a half of sleep, I awoke with a start at 5:17AM. It took everything I had to actually get out of bed, shower and dress myself, and finally, ever so carefully, leave through my front door (instead of the window like I wanted to) and go to work.

And as I dozed in my seat on the F-train, I had all these visions of the mouse and all his mouse buddies from college partying like rock stars in my apartment: playing poker on my table, ordering porn online, posing as me in chat rooms and eating all my bagel chips and hummus.

How can I actually go back there and LIVE IN THAT APARTMENT? I just know that mouse is plotting against me! He's PLOTTING AGAINST ME!!!!! I KNOW IT!!!!

*smooches...willing to pay for ANYONE to get rid of this mouse*
You'll feel it
When I stamp it on your forehead
So you will never forget
That you're a reject
And you're a no one
And you're nothing
Little impotent one