Thursday, May 31, 2007

I Still Don't Get It

Even though K is still 11, I'm officially the mother of a teenager. Her latest drama? She wrote in a school essay that she has, in the past, contemplated suicide.

Now, I know what you're thinking: Living with Raquel as a mother? I'd contemplate it, too! But seriously, this girl does not have it so bad! But whatever, I won't go there; it's not the point of this post.

The point is, I just don't understand how one gets to that point. I know what it is to feel sad, blue, exhausted, frustrated and crazed. But I also know how to climb out of those holes. I can't seem to get my head around the fact that there are people who cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've always known, deep down, that no matter how shitty my circumstances, that everything would somehow work out. I guess it's the only thing I really believe in and where my faith lies: things will always work out. Oh, I allow myself a few days to wallow in self-pity and cry "woe is me" from time to time, but I always pick myself up, use my logical, scientist's brain (it's still in there, buried under mounds and mounds of useless pop culture facts), consult with (translation: bitch and moan to) friends and family and find the solution. I don't understand why everybody just can't do what I do.

This way of thinking is what keeps me from being a good teacher. I know why 2+2=4, but I don't know why a baby can't grasp that one true logical fact. In my mind, it's old hat; I really have a difficult time remembering that long ago 2+2 used to baffle me, too.

So now I have this sad, possibly suicidal 11-year-old, who has taken whatever has made her sad and magnified it to the 100th degree, and for some reason didn't realize that there is always a solution that will make things better that does not involve harming herself.

Another problem I have with this is that I hold firm to the belief that people who commit suicide are weak, cowardly and selfish- sorry if this touches a nerve with anyone, but it's what I feel.

Everyone feels overwhelmed and sad and has the weight of the world on their shoulders. If you need more attention, say so. If your current situation makes you unhappy, then do you and get out of it; if you're not happy no one around you will be either, so you're not doing anyone any favors by sticking it out. So how do I counsel her now without making the situation worse by calling her a weak coward, when everything in my being wants to shake her and do just that.

K has always been quiet and reserved and to herself; so was I back in the day. I took her behavior to mean she wanted to be left alone, because that's how I was as a kid- I went off by myself because I wanted to BE by myself.

Jack expressed that maybe she does it because she doesn't know how to ask for what she needs, and perhaps doesn't know that she doesn't know, and that's what boggles my mind. How can a child of mine not know how to open her mouth and yell: I NEED YOU TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME?

N does it all the time; why can't K?

Quietly...I blame her one in MY family has these problems, I don't care what Jack says...

*smooches...realizing that motherhood is for the birds*
Tho' I battled blind,
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind,
Love it is a fate resigned
Over futile odds,
And laughed at by the Gods
And now the final frame,
Love is a losing game