Monday, May 07, 2007

Did You Hear the One About the Gay Man and His Sex-Addicted Beard Entering a Nunnery...?

Jack and I are TIRED of men, you hear me? T-I-R-E-D!!!

They play too many games. They live with their mommas. They string you along for months. They break up with you for no reason. They don't return phone calls. They ain't got no damn teeth!

We are TOO THROUGH with every single one of them! Well, maybe not the stripper from our night out, but you get my drift...

So we've decided to join a convent. That's right. We're giving ourselves to Jesus. I've already got almost 6 mos of celibacy under my belt, what's another 50 years? And it won't be half as much fun unless Jack comes with me, so he's coming.

AND, we're gonna pitch it to FOX-TV as a reality show. Or maybe the CW Network- they're not afraid of nappy-headed hos like me over there.

Picture it, cameras follow me and Jack as we take our vows and live within the strict confines of the convent, interacting with the other novices, praying at 5:30 AM daily, sneaking off with the priests for some "afternoon delight." It'll be a blast!!

I'm sure we'd bring American Idol to its knees!

Here's a scene from episode 5:

5:45AM- Raquel's Room. Mother Superior enters.

MS: Raquel? Wake up, you've missed morning prayers again. Raquel? Raquel?
Raquel: (groggy) Huh? What do you want?
MS: My dear, it's almost six- you've missed morning prayers.
Raquel: Oh, yeah, sorry 'bout that. But listen, I'm probably not going to make it to afternoon prayers, either.
MS: And why not?
Raquel: I gotta go pick up Jack downtown. We got arrested last night.
MS: What?
Raquel: Yeah, we went to this gay bar last night with Father Murphy to catch the drag show and some butch dyke bartender reminded Jack of his ex, and, well, The Captain was with us...
MS: Father Murphy? The Captain?
Raquel: You know, Captain Morgan?
MS: (confused yet annoyed) Who? How did you get home? Where's Father Murphy
Raquel: Father Murphy ditched us when the pigs came. They let me go because the bartender didn't press charges. And they would've let Jack go, too, but he said the arresting officer reminded him of this guy, C...

*smooches...anxiously awaiting her new "habit"*
You're a dirty, dirty man
Oh in so many, so many dirty ways
You're a dirty, dirty man
And you've been hiding your little dirt all over this hip place
I know you have
Oh here's my chance baby to throw some mud in your face