Monday, April 23, 2007

With Age Comes Wisdom...Or So I Hope...

I remember a time when the slightest insult, criticism or rejection sent me on a downward spiral of grudge-holding, binge-eating and voodoo doll-making. I actually kept a mental list of people who would feel my wrath the minute I became powerful enough to execute it and not get caught.

Last night...I threw it out.

I was just about to add another "mark" next to someones name for their continued disregard for one of my good friend's feelings and just decided, "You know what? This is poison!" Hatred on this level takes a lot of work, man, and I'm exhausted. I'm just going to let Karma and The Universe handle these things from now on.

See, I'm on a path towards inner peace.

I'm learning to let things roll off my back. To find the lesson hidden in the event, and what my part was in it. So the March 2007 "On Blast" post was the first and last of its kind. I don't want to keep track of people who have wronged me and mine anymore. Fuck all them nappy-headed hos. I won't give them a second thought.

Instead maybe I'll mention those who've brought a smile to my face...or not- I'm not that touchy-feely, but you get the point. No more LIST.

How far am I in my quest? Not very. I mean, getting rid of The List- which by the way I've been keeping since the 6th grade and was the equivalent of about 4 loose-leaf pages long- was the biggest step. I just fed it in "the shredder" and kept it moving. But so far I'm trying to catch myself before I delve too deep into the dark side.

Here are a few things from my past that includes people who used to be on The List, where I searched myself for the lesson learned in order to let go of the hatred and be at peace:

I was in a bad marriage. Nothing spectacular. Lots of people have been in my same situation. But I spent a lot of time putting much of the blame on him just because it was funny and made me look better. But I made the choice to marry him even though I did not want to. That whole sham could have easily been avoided if I had said, "No, thank you" when he popped the question. The Lesson? You can't fake love and respect. If you don't feel it, you just don't. You can't marry someone because you want to save them or want to be saved, or because it will look better because there is a kid involved. It will always leave you unfulfilled.

I was dumped. Twice. You're all probably like, "Boohoo! You were dumped twice in your entire dating life. Big Fucking Deal." And that's true. But no one likes to be rejected, and when your track record is as good as mine, those two stick out like sore thumbs. However, there was no need for me to visit a santero after both break-ups to seek revenge. That was just juvenile of me. And I can't even be sure that it worked (...or did it?). The Lessons? Break-up no. 1: No matter how cute you are, someone will always be cuter, have bigger boobs, longer hair, etc. So you have to bring more to the table than just your looks. Also, if your partner is so easily swayed by bigger boobs, well, then, they are not for you. Break-up no. 2: If all you have in common is that you both love sex, and you compromise all of the other things you've ever wanted in a mate for a really good lay, that's all you're gonna get- a really good lay. No depth, no meaning, nothing. And that's not love and it will never be enough.

My grandma died. This hit me like a ton of bricks and I'm still not over it, so I won't talk too much about it right now. And I took it out on the medical community. But not getting a check up and bad-mouthing doctors all over this blog is not going to bring her back. The Lesson? I wish I knew...I still want my grandma back and I really just don't understand what happened there. Why weren't her doctors on top of this shit? All the money they charge/earn and no one could make her better? Bullshit!!

In case you didn't notice, this is my biggest obstacle to finding inner peace. One thing I can say that resulted from grandma's death is that it served as the final kick in the ass I needed to finish school and follow my dream to become a writer. She didn't come here and bust her ass as a nanny and cleaning person just so I can answer someone else's phone for the rest of my life. Oh wait- is that the lesson?

Hmmmm...well, just in case the whole inner-peace thing doesn't work out, is it ok for me to keep Ray-Ray's and Q-Dog's phone numbers? You know, just as back-up?

*smooches...with a little less baggage in tow*
meanwhile wild things are not for sale
anymore than they are for show
so i'll be outside, in love with the kind of beauty
it takes more than eyes to know