Monday, April 30, 2007

Forgiveness Tour 2007

The new, kinder, gentler Raquel that wants to emerge from this Jaded NYer has decided that, like addicts before her, she's going to try and make amends with those she's hurt. I did something similar a few months ago in a blog post, so I won't revisit those injured parties anymore. The apology is out there and I'm done with that.

Actually, there is only one person I need to reconcile with. And I'm hoping this will finally put my soul at ease and allow me to move forward. My grandma.

I share most everything with you all in these blogs, but the circumstances that will not allow me to move past her death are very private and I'm not yet at the place in my life where I can put it out for all the world to see. But know that it is something that eats at me everyday and has affected me so much since she died in 1999. That's almost ten years of baggage. And I'm really just tired of carrying it around.

Jack and I concluded that the best way to deal with this is to go to DR and go "talk" to her, clear the air, apologize, ask for forgiveness, tell her I love her and then let it go.

It's weird for me to even contemplate something like this. I love to hold on to shit like this like a fucking security blanket, but lately I've found that blanket rather suffocating. I suppose I fell victim to the whole, "I must suffer for my art" bullshit.

But what kind of lunatic actually ENJOYS suffering?

I'm surprised a mental health professional hasn't tackled me in the street and medicated me on the spot!

*smooches...really, really, really ready to let go...for real this time*
so many sheep i quit counting
sleepless and embarrassed
about the way that i feel
trying to make mole hills out of mountains
building base camp at the bottom
of a really big deal