Green Living I Can Get Behind

Since my attempt at saving the planet fell flat due to lack of interest, I figured I might want to start smaller. By saving myself.

Now don't freak out- I don't mean it in the religious sense (hell to the naw!), but rather taking a renewed approach to my physical health. It seems like the natural thing for me to do seeing as I don't like to go to the doctor. In fact, just the other day Jack used a harsh tone with me when I confessed that I've let a whole year go by without investigating what that sharp pain in my right, lower abs could be: damaged fallopian tube from botched operation in '97? the big C? Who knows! But I digress.

It also needs to happen now while I have the momentum of so much weight shed in the past six months. I'm actually almost down to my pre-baby weight. It's like I've been given a second chance. So I'm gonna roll with it.

Steps I've Already Taken:

1. Gave up red meat. Not because I care about some dumb animals, but because I was informed that it takes longer for one's body to digest tasty morsels of T-bone than anything else you eat. So bye-bye Tad's Steaks and Jamaican beef patties...how I loved you so...

2. Gave up sugary beverages. This was kind of like cheating because I never really drank them to begin with. The liquid portion of my diet now consists of water, skim milk (I REFUSE to switch to soy because is tastes like ASS), and only 100% real fruit juices- no high-fructose corn syrup allowed! PLEASE NOTE: exceptions are made on a regular basis to include Coronas, tequila and other concoctions meant to get me fucked up.

3. I accepted my mom's flax seed challenge. For the past week or so I've been including two spoonfuls of milled flax seed into my diet daily. It's actually not bad, has sort of a nutty flavor to it. I'm supposed to increase my intake gradually. I'll let you know how that works out.

4. I decided to give "Green Smoothies" a chance. These are tasty treats in a nasty package- it looks awful but tastes like any other fruit smoothie out there. Had my first one on Monday. I just had to close my eyes when I drank it and not think of the handfuls of broccoli and spinach blended together with my strawberries and bananas.

5. Will probably buy the "Green for Life" book EVERYONE has been recommending lately. When one person mentioned it to me I called him a granola-eating freak. When another person mentioned it I called him a hemp-wearing loser. But after the third person recommended this book/program, I took the hint. Ok, ok, I get it. Stop bringing it up. I will buy the stupid book!!

Steps Left to Take:

1. Learn to lay off the white rice and its starchy cousins. Don't get me wrong, brown rice is tasty and I enjoy it, but nothing soothes my troubled soul on a bad day like a heaping bowl of freshly cooked white rice. It takes me back to my grandmother's kitchen. And probably why I can't bring myself to let it go.

2. Accept that some vitamins might have to be ingested in the form of a pill. One day I will be able to differentiate from the pills that kill and ones that heal. It's a mental block I can't get passed. As it stands I will continue to try and get all my nutrients from actual food products.

3. Recognize that while TOFU has four letters, it is not a dirty word. But first someone has to do something about that marshmallow consistency and that cardboard taste. Then maybe I can embrace it.

4. Try not to gag when offered eggplant. Nothing brings chunks to my throat like the thought of having to eat this nasty ass veggie. BLECH!! But it's in so many veggie recipes as a meat replacement that I might have to give it another chance. BLECH!!

5. Realize that "physician" does not always equal "murdering, non-cause-of-illness seeking, drug-pushing, god-complex-having oppressor." Eventually I will have to see a doctor about this pain in my side. And my excruciating headaches that seem to come from nowhere. And the pain in my wrists. And my fucked up knees. And the myriad of mental illnesses I'm sure I "suffer" from (did I just end a sentence in a preposition? *GASP*). When I do, I would hope that it will be someone who will actually care about my well-being and therefore allow me to check my mistrust and stank attitude at the door.

6. Exercise. This will be the hardest change to accept in my life because, well, my couch is oh-so-comfy and my schedule is hectic and I can't sweat my hair out and my sneakers are all wrong and my knees are bad from wearing heels and...I can go on and on. I hate, no LOATHE WITH THE FIERY VENGEANCE OF 10,000 SCORNED WOMEN, to exercise. Hard work intimidates me. Sweat makes me vomit. And a score of other whiny assed excuses. But if I can be guaranteed a physician-free existence, then I may think about it. Maybe. Does walking to the fridge count as exercise?

*smooches...with a green smoothie "milk" mustache*
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so i'll walk the plank

and i'll jump with a smile

if i'm gonna go down

i'm gonna do it with style