Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Jack Needs a Lesson in Love and Forgiveness

My soul is troubled. Just a day after my "inner peace journey" post I received this email from Jack:

How in the hell are you going to embark on a journey towards inner peace by dumping all your baggage and leave me standing here still festering and frothing at the mouth?!?!

Explain to me who the hell is going to understand my own rants and raving lunacy about things that are, admittedly, trivial in the overall scheme of life but that I glom on to from time to time in a desperate attempt to find solace in being able to control something?! Huh?

**adds Rocky to the list**

When I replied that I would be sending him my copy of Finding Inner Peace, he freaked and compared me to the Dalai Lama and signed his email:

Grudge-holding Prican waitin on a fucking book in order to get over the PF
[Puta Face] syndrome.

So while the book is en route, I'm gonna give Jack a little lesson in loving and embracing fellow human beings. Who knows, he might also stop smoking, too.

1. I Love You, Nasty Smokers in the 3rd Floor Bathroom. Without your dependence on tobacco the economy of the south might just collapse. Lung specialists would be out of a job, as would most of the folks at the American Lung Association. The Surgeon General wouldn't be as popular. Your purpose on earth is precious.

2. I Love You, Rude Commuters of the F-Train. I know when you shove me, steal my seat, squeeze in where you don't fit and horde over the turnstiles thereby preventing me from catching my train, you do it to strengthen me. You make my heart sing.

3. I Love You, Idiot Graphic Designer in Virginia. Without the gazillion glaring errors you make on every assignment I send your way, I may not have gotten that $5K raise. Keep forgetting to change the folio text. Stand firm on your belief that large amounts of white space and blurry photos are okay. You only have my best interest at heart.

4. I Love You, Skanky Whore Who Lured Jason Away With Your GINORMOUS 14-year-old Breasts. If not for you I may have become an unwed mother YEARS ahead of schedule. Your compassion and thoughtfulness dwarfs your mammories.

5. I Love You, Mr. Wayne "Stalker" Carter. Your ability to hold onto negativity is so amazingly pure that I am humbled by your presence. And yes, I will go on the Maury Povich Show with you.

6. I Love You, Female Reproductive System & Lady Estrogen. Every month you play games with my emotions and waistline as if you hadn't a care in the world. As if I couldn't find a shady doctor in Mexico City to remove you. Your innocence endears me.

7. I Love You, Jeremy "Ass-Face" Piven. Your actions and bad-mouthing of my beloved John only serve to make him look like a bigger person in my eyes. And taller. Your selflessness brings tears to my eyes.

8. I Love You, Ex-Husband C. Your mishandling of funds, resulting in a $1,000 tax penalty on my 2006 returns served as a vehicle to remind me that there's no looking back in life. And that I made the right decision in this divorce. You never stop thinking of me and I appreciate it.

9. I Love You, Puta Face & G and Cabroncito. You provide Jack with so much anxiety and agita that I remain entertained by his dramatics for hours on end. Not to mention, you keep his doctors, pharmacists and local bar in business. It's people like you that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

10. I Love You, William R. Penzo. If you hadn't abandoned your responsibilities almost 32 years ago, I might have actually been close to the riff-raff you call family. And perhaps been Martha Stewart's cell mate. Your sacrifice bears the mark of a true father.

*smooches...with sarcasm so subtle that I almost had you going*
maybe you don't like your job
maybe you didn't get enough sleep
well, nobody likes their job
nobody got enough sleep
maybe you just had
the worst day of your life
but, you know, there's no escape
and there's no excuse
so just suck up and be nice