Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Como Duelen Los Dias Sin Ti

On Saturday, there was a birthday party for my Penzo Grandmother and I was looking for any excuse not to go. Shout out to N who was being all whiny and tired and defiant when I said we had to go to this party, for giving me an excuse to stay home and eat chicken tacos while watching "Awkward" online.

Attending those Penzo parties always fill me with anxiety. I never feel at home with them. I feel like such a phony among these people. I don't belong with them.

My Penzo Grandmother's birthday also brings up memories of my REAL grandmother, whom we called GrandMami, and how SHE should be here with me, seeing how great we all turned out and how big and smart and awesome her great-granddaughters have gotten. I miss her so much. Every day without fail.

Those Penzos were never checking for me when I was little. It was All GrandMami Everything. So I don't feel not one iota of guilt for missing that party. That old broad will be just fine without me, just like she has been her whole life. Besides, I'm too busy mourning my loss this week to care about anyone else.

GrandMami y yo, celebrando las navidades
Although, if GrandMami were here, she'd be giving me the side-eye for being so disrespectful. Maybe even throw her chancleta at me from across the room. What I wouldn't give...

Not a millisecond passes that I don't miss her sweet agua-florida-and-old-face-powder scent. Not a single solitary millisecond.

"...Cazando motivos que me hagan creer
Que aun me encuentro con vida
Mordiendo mis unas
Ahogandome en llanto
Extra├▒andote tanto..."

*besos...just for grandma today*
"I cry a lot because I miss people. They die and I can't stop them. They leave me and I love them more." -Maurice Sendak (1928-2012)