Friday, October 14, 2011

What It's Like To Be A Violent Pacifist

I know what you're thinking- "Jaded, Violent Pacifist is a blatant contradiction!" But let me explain.

Deep inside of me is an anger so fierce I'm almost certain that, if left unchecked, I could murder someone with my bare hands and go on about my day as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. I know that this anger resides here, so I enlist the help of The Voices to suppress it. It's actually the only thing all of us agree on: The Anger must never be unleashed!

I do things like exercise (boxing is AWESOME for quelling The Anger, as are the martial arts) or dive into a funny show or movie or read a good Stephen King novel in order to stay on the right side of the law and it always works. Want me to not kill you? Hand me a copy of "'Salem's Lot" and we'll be cool.

This revelation stems from a quick conversation I had with a co-worker in which I admitted that I don't argue. Ever. If someone raises their voice to me I always STFU and walk away. My standard answer as to why I don't argue used to be "Because it's pointless." The truth is, yelling awakens The Anger, and The Anger will fashion a weapon out of whatever is nearby and slit your throat. Plain and simple.

If I've ever hung up on you or given you the silent treatment or simply removed you from my life, you should be thanking me. I did it because had I not, The Anger would have taken your life. Your entire life. And then sat down to a plate of Pop Tarts to watch old episodes of "Calliou" on Netflix.

See, I don't like violence. Really I don't. Gory scenes in movies repulse me, I loathe watching a boxing match (I enjoy the class for the sake of exercise, but the sport is quite unsavory to me) and those 'girl fight' videos running wild in these internets make me so sad. I hate that we need a military and that said military is all over the place having to shoot at people. I hate that my family in DR has to employ any number of security measures, including sitting on the porch with a shotgun, in order to prevent home invasions. I hate that this country is OK with condemning someone to die - DIE - at the hands of the state and using my tax dollars to do it. I loathe every minute of all that shit!

So I suppose I became a pacifist in response to The Anger. It's everything I never want to be yet there it is, inside of me. Waiting for you to push the wrong motherfucking button.

*smooches...preferring cotton candy to corpses*
and I don't even LIKE cotton candy, but whatever it takes to avoid that orange jumpsuit, right?