Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Why I Won't Sleep With You

For some reason unknown to me, when I tell a guy in no uncertain terms I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU they hear: no, not today, but try me again in a couple of weeks.

And I suspect this is happening to women all over the world. As if men got together one day and decided that No means Maybe. Well, it doesn't. It means GETTHEFUCKOUTTAHERENOBODYWANTSTOFUCKYOURWACKASSBEGONE!!

I never know if dudes ignore my vehement NOs just to annoy me and be funny or if they really believe they have a shot, but just in case... if you find any of this applies to you by all means take it as bible law and have a smooth motherfucking seat while I break it down so that it can once and forever be broke...

Besides the fact that I've promised myself the next guy I sleep with will be my last (as in no more casual times for the kid- only a serious monogamous relationship with a ring and a promise of forever will see my panty-drawz from now on):

>>I don't enjoy the physical act of sex with other people, so to get me to take off my clothes you have to be an exceptional man in looks, personality AND intelligence. Not either or, you have to be ALL of these things. This isn't something I've instituted in the past- I went slumming A LOT- but it's the policy now and forever more. Take a good hard look in the mirror. Is that you? Be honest, because if I've already said NO then the answer is NO.

>>If we've had sex before and now I constantly turn you down it means YOU WERE HORRIBLE and I find you sexually unattractive and/or repulsive. Also, see reason 1. Like, the thought of your nakedness anywhere near my nakedness ever again brings the chunks of last night's dinner to my esophagus. And I can only imagine how far I had to take my imagination to get through sex with you the first time! There will NEVER be a next time. Just NO.

>>If we don't know each other in the biblical sense & I turn you down, again, you do nothing for me. Again, see reason 1. We can be buds and whatnot, but don't waste your best game on me because you're already on the Unfuckable list and that list is laminated.

(What's an Unfuckable? Gay/bisexual men, dummies, fuglies, fatties, lame-os, marrieds/cuffed-ups, dudes my friends like and/or have already fucked, homies that are like family, Caucasian men and anyone under the age of 30. Some dummies used to be able to get it because they had abs of steel but I'm 36 now; you need to be able to conjugate some verbs and name a few current government officials n shit to turn my head.)

If any of this hurt your feelings, man, listen- I know I'm not perfect. Many of the guys I find yummy would never even look my way once let alone twice. I accept that and move on. So should you. Just because I find you repulsive doesn't mean that some other female won't want to treat you to many naked delights and make you hers. Go and find THAT woman because I just ain't the one, B!

I know you men like to think you're Magellan and shit, that YOUR sweet lovin' will be THE sweet lovin' to get me sprung and declaring your prowess from the mountain tops, but I honestly don't care to find out because I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU. Let me repeat that for the cheap seats...




There. Maybe that was finally clear enough.

*smooches...so tired of repeating myself*
sometimes the bitch card is the only one I have left to play