Monday, September 26, 2011

I Try Not To Be Jealous.

It doesn't always work.

This summer, I took my daughters to Montauk for Ks Sweet 16 and what I thought was going to be a pleasant, relaxing, amazing trip turned into the biggest headache of my life. It got so bad that I almost broke down and cried in the street in front of my girls. Why? Why else- frustration with my lack of money. Why I agreed to have this party in the most expensive beach town EVER is beyond me, but as soon as we got there my funds were depleted and I just wanted to not be anywhere anymore ever.

(And the Oscar for Lead Actress in a Dramatic Performance During PMS Week While on Vacation goes to...)

It was never so apparent to me how many bad financial decisions I've made in my life than this summer in Montauk as I watched the other vacationers eating out at the fancier places and driving around in fancy cars or hanging out in their suites or beautiful beach homes. It occurred to me that at the rate I'm going this would never be my life, and then I was upset for having cheated my kids. Especially when their friends have so much more...

Listen, I know it's stupid and useless to covet & regret. I don't begrudge anyone their wealth or success because I know my own misfortunes are my own doing. It was just frustrating because I wanted to show them a great time. I wanted them to experience a bit of luxury, an escape from the tiny matchbox where we live, to order from a menu and not have to care. I know it's not a necessity but I wanted it for them so badly and it pissed me off to no ends that I couldn't give it to them.

Instead of a beautiful weekend at the beach, we ended it all with the longest walk to the train (because I couldn't afford a taxi) and the longest wait on the platform (because we made a wrong turn and missed our train).

If you ask K, she'll tell you she had a great time (except for the walk to the train and her mom LOSING HER FUCKING SHIT ON A DESERTED ROAD) and her birthday was awesome. At least, that's what I'm hoping. If you ask me? I've failed my babies...

*smooches...looking forward to a better 2012*
I WILL handle my money better and my kids WILL have a great(er) summer. you'll see.