Friday, July 01, 2011

The Jaded Guide To Getting That Man!

In my daily travels, people never ask me for are always asking my advice on matters of the heart, namely, how to attract and hold on to a special fella. The following conversation with Smarty P. Jones pretty much sums up my answer:

Smarty P. Jomes: How come responsible people always be gettin' punished #nshit? Yes I said, "be gettin'!" You tax single people to high hell, good girls always end up with bad guys, hos get all the quality paynus...I don't wanna be good no more! I'mma be SO bad, my subjects and verbs won't agree! #badtothebone

ME: oookay then... *backs away slowly*

SPJ: Word.

ME: I must add, though- when I treat dudes like shit, they want me so much more *smh*

SPJ: Mmhmm. I'mma start doing that. Just rude for no fucking reason
Him: Good morning.
Me: O_o

ME: lol

SPJ: Watch. I'mma be beatin' 'em off me

ME: No, it's more like...
Him: I love your hair like that.
Me: Shut up and fuck me!

SPJ: O_O!!! #youwin #idontwannaplaynomo

ME: You don't wanna be so mean that they leave.

SPJ: Ahh ...

ME: Just enough that they question themselves for staying.

SPJ: Rudeness peppered with nekkid activities and dry sandwiches

ME: ...And use that pussy like a Venus fly trap on dem hos!

SPJ: #gotit #_#

ME: Throw in a random homemade meal- for no good reason- and that ni**a ain't going nowhere!

SPJ: Lmao!
Me: You want some fried chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy?
Him: We going to KFC?
Me: We going to the kitchen.
Him: O_O! *dreamy look*
Me: Now STFU and eat this chicken!


SPJ: *nods* Got it.

ME: And when he's annoying and clingy, hit 'em with a "go call your boys and watch a game or some shit. I'm busy!" He might just propose... Sex, food & sports- it's all a ni**a want/need.

SPJ: Wait, I'm always the clingy one.


Tiffany: O_O! *cues up Tweet's "Sports, Sex and Food" in the iPod*

*smooches...wishing you a man-filled weekend*
and if you're a hetero dude...well...I wish you lots of sports, sex and food.