Thursday, October 18, 2007

Building The Perfect Man

Remember that movie with John Malkovich, Making Mr. Right, where Malkovich's character builds an android in his likeness and hires a PR woman to make him more "human"? I was thinking about that movie on my way in to work, and how cool it would be to just make my own Mr. Right.

From 4th Street all the way to East Broadway, I thought about what elements I would add to my perfect guy, and actually smiled to myself at the possibilities. And I know you're DYING to know what I had on the list, so I'm gonna share it with you (I need to get my mind off that thesis debacle's either this or spend money I don't have on stuff I don't need).

If I decide to make a brotha (and most likely I would), or even spring for a Latino (eh...I can take 'em or leave 'em), they would either have very short to no hair (a shaved head is SEXY!) or really long hair ala Jr. Gong or Slash. Complexion is not a major issue, but I tend to gravitate to those in my own general coloring. But I've been known to go either way.

He would get really great lips. Like Morris Chestnut or this ex I had way back in the day, Johnny (boy... he had AMAZING lips!!). They'd be full but not over-power his face, and his kisses would be powerful but soft (like Johnny...). He'd have a nice chiseled jaw, but not cartoon-Batman-chiseled, 'cause that looks retarded. And he'd have ALL his teeth.

His eyes would be brown, but a soft brown, with flecks of amber in them. Light brown is nice, too. And he'd get an accent in a deep tone...a sexy West Indian or Spanish accent. Southern is OK, too, British maybe, French, eh, Italian, hell yeah! You get the picture...

He'd be reeeeaaaaaallllll tall. On this I can't and won't make any exceptions. 6'3" at least. And his physique would be similar to that of a football QB- muscular but on the smaller side. I don't care for the body-builder types that have no neck and can't bring their arms down to their sides- that's not cute. But you all know I'm a sucker for really sexy arms (especially if they're tattooed...hmmm, I'd definitely get my android tattooed...).

He would need to have really nice hands- big but soft (and clean!!). The kind that will fit nicely in mine and on the small of my back (for dancing).

The characteristics I'd give him...hmmm...well, ya'll know I'm kinda ghetto, so definitely I'd add some essence d'Tupac in him, to give him that slight thuggish attitude and swagger that is trez sexy, but not too much 'cause I ain't tryin' to get shot for no dude. Of course he'd be super intelligent and well-read, but not the type who holds it over you or uses words like "heretofore" or "vernacular" in casual conversations. Although I expect that he would know what those words mean and when it IS appropriate to use them in a sentence.

He'd have a great sense of humor, the kind that can appreciate a movie like Sideways and still laugh till it hurts at movies like Friday and Super Troopers. And he'd be artistically and musically inclined. Yes, both, dammit. It's my android and I can make him any way I want!

What else...oh not to get all TMI on ya'll but dude would be packin' something fierce- I'd have to shell out EXTRA DOUGH on that feature alone!! Packing enough that it will knock my insomnia on its ass every night- in both size AND girth. And most importantly? I'd make him sterile.

This guy, my perfect guy, Mr. (or SeƱor) Right is such a pipe dream that it's almost depressing, but the fun I'm having trying to find him is nothing to shake a stick at. At the very least, it generates GREAT blog posts!

Oh, and what if I wanted to make a white guy, you ask? Simple. I wouldn't make a white guy. No android can ever replace John Cusack, and he's pretty much the only Caucasian I want.

You totally saw that one coming, didn't you? LOL

*smooches...waiting and waiting and waiting*
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;