Thursday, September 20, 2007

I Want to Have Joel Osteen's Baby

Do you know Joel Osteen? Sure you do! He's that ultra-charming televangelist from Texas that comes on every Sunday to deliver inspirational messages to the masses. Him. I've developed a small crush.

I'm sure by now ya'll know my position on organized religion and what a mockery of "truth" I think it is. But there is something about this man that makes me want to hop a plane to Houston and join his congregation at Lakewood Church.

I only watch when I'm visiting my mami- she puts it on as she's getting ready for church- and every time without fail, his sweet Southern twang lulls me out of sleep with a message so powerful and full of zest that I just want to get out of bed and conquer the day! "Anything is possible," says Joel over and over. "Live a life filled with Joy Hope and Victory." He spews those golden nuggets and I'm like, "Yeah, I want that! Where can I get that?"

Of course, I know if I met him and asked him that question, his answer would be, "In our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ." And I'll be forced to roll my eyes and break up with him just like I broke up with the church.

Listen, honestly, if people want to place their faith in Christianity or Judaism or Islam, then you know what? Have at it. But I have serious issue with any group that promotes the use of scare tactics (god will punish you; you WILL go to hell!!!) and the subjugation of its members, and encourages the oppression of women. I just can't be down with that.

Still, I like to watch Joel. I enjoy his positivity. He never uses scare tactics. All his words are encouraging and uplifting. And god help me, it might be the old age and dementia creepin' in already, but he always makes a lot of sense!

Some people don't feel the same way, as hinted in this news report:

But I don't know. I like him. Perhaps it's the heathen in me...I kind of enjoy his "perverted" gospel. I mean look at that smile! If you woke up on a Sunday morning to that SMILE telling you to live your best life, wouldn't you want to do him, er, I mean it??

*smooches...pre-ordering Joel's "Become a Better You" on under a pseudonym*
Civilization will not attain perfection
until the last stone from the last church
falls on the last priest.