I am no closer to finding a job than I was last time I posted, but am oh-so-close to rock bottom. Not money-wise so please don't worry about me- I'll be fine.
Friday I was good- I ordered my enchiladas and stayed in, watched a movie, cleaned up a bit. Saturday I shut off my phone and worked all day on some freelance assignments, emptying out more boxes (only two to go!!!) and worked on some school stuff. When the sun set, I found myself with a pretty bad case of cabin fever. I decided to get out of my apartment. Mistake No. 1.
So remember that I said I wanted to just be friends with Hoover, since a romantic relationship was out of the question? Okay, keep that thought in mind as I continue this story.
Hoover and I talk occasionally. Just a simple, "Hey what's up, how have you been, how's work," etc. General BS that you say when what you really want to say can't be said. I mentioned that I was shutting off my phone and working all day Saturday. He mentioned he was working an event in Manhattan that night, and if I wanted to meet up for a drink later. I said maybe. Mistake No. 2.
As I got ready to escape my little cave to get some fresh air and catch a flick, I looked through my phone to see who I could convince to come out with me, but it was 9:30- anybody who's anybody on my contact list most likely already had plans or was in bed (alone or otherwise occupied). Choices were limited...I was desperate...I'd spoken to maybe one person all day...I was sick of my own company...I called Hoover. Mistake No. 3.
He couldn't make the movie, but said to call him when it let out and maybe he'd be done with work by then.
I went to see Babel. Alone. On "date night." It was all a single girl could do to not slit her wrist in a movie theater full of Noah's Ark rejects: "oh sweetie, what do want to do after the move?" "oh, baby, I love you so much" *kiss* *hug*
And then the movie- although very well-acted and written and directed- was so depressing and left me feeling so sad and helpless...I, all of a sudden, was not the tough-as-nails chick I usually am. And at that moment I just didn't want to be alone.
Hoover left a message on my phone. He was nearby at a Mexican place on University Pl. I met him for drinks and we talked about nothing in particular. When my vision became blurry we decided to leave. Somewhere along the way, he mentioned and I agreed that he should come over my place. Now I KNOW this is the Patrón talking because I don't allow ANY MEN in my home. AT ALL. It's just a policy I started after The Break-Up Heard Around the World. But goddamit if Patrón didn't take over my power of speech and say, "Sure, you can come and hang out. We'll watch a movie." Mistakes No. 4, 5 and 6.
More like MAKE a movie...Mistake No. 7, 8 and 9.
Do I have to say it? Don't make me- okay? I feel bad enough. I'm not the kind of person to feel shame for anything I do. I'm a big girl and I deal with my decisions and the subsequent consequences. But this...this was...I can't even believe that I'm writing about it I'm so ashamed of it...
Needless to mention his skills in the boudoir were JUST AS BAD as the infamous make-out session that left me bruised and bitter. And that's just what I deserve, too. A friend of mine likes to tell me: Those who don't hear, must feel. I didn't listen to the little voice telling me to just be friends. And now I have to wear the scarlett "L" (for LOSER!!) for all eternity. I let the idiot touchy-feely couple sitting next to me at the movies make me feel like less of a person because I was in there by myself. Which was so stupid because I go to the movies by myself ALL THE TIME!!! Why should this time be any different?
Why? Because the person I WANTED to speak to/see on Saturday didn't even bother to take or return my call. There. That's the plain truth of it. So now you know.
I just hope Hoover doesn't think I'm his girlfriend now. Shit! Now I have to move and change my phone number. GODDAMN YOU, PATRÓN, GODDAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!
*smooches...bruised, bitter and ashamed...*
but i've had a lack of inhibition
i've had a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in