Remember when you first met them and everything was new and undiscovered and you'd stay on the phone for hours on end talking about everything and nothing at the same time? How the sound of their voice and just one look into their eyes make your knees all wobbly? Remember how you'd fantasize about your future together in the shower? The summer house in Montauk? The brownstone in Fort Greene? The Mediterranean cruise?
And your first fight? Remember how stupid it seemed after you made up? And how you joked about it, how you were being so irrational? Even if deep down you still thought you were in the right and let it go in the name of...dare you think it...love? Was it love? Was it?
Remember when you knew it wasn't the same? And how you felt it unravelling, slipping from your control and there was no way to stop it? Remember THE phone call? The one that put the nail in the coffin of what you were afraid of? The one where they say, "It's not working out" or you say, "I can't go on like this" even if it's something you never thought you'd hear or say?
And the moment you hung up...the HEARTACHE! How you clung to your pillow sobbing like you haven't sobbed in so long! How you curled up into a ball and felt so vulnerable and just wanted to be held by the very person that just made you curl into a ball. And the whole world just became you and them and the heartache.
You only ate out of habit, for nutrition, because nothing tasted like anything anymore. You got out of bed and went to work only because you had to. If you could have, you would have stayed in bed for days, staring out the window in between crying fits and obligatory trips to the bathroom to blow your nose.
It's like someone died and you remember the Kübler-Ross book you read that explained the stages of grief:
1. Denial and isolation - The "This can't be real" stage.: "This is not happening to me." "There must be a mistake"
2. Anger - The "Why me?" stage.: "How dare you do this to me?!"
3. Bargaining - The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.: "I'll change and be what they want...they'll want me back after I make this one change..."