Monday, December 10, 2012

Scared And Sad Mortal

I'm a little embarrassed and ashamed to admit that, at my grandmother's funeral, I was THAT GIRL who, had Mari and Mami not held me back, almost threw herself at the coffin. It was like Logical Raquel had stepped outside of this body and just left me with the wackadoos, and the wackadoos convinced The Voices that my grandmother was unable to breathe in such a small box, so we needed to free her from it. That was me. High marks in biology and chemistry; dissected a fetal pig without blinking an eye; watched countless videos of women giving birth without flinching; made up slides for an art professor of an autopsy book for her class. I still managed to believe that my dead grandmother could not breathe in her coffin, and I was the only one who could save her.

In the midst of PMS Week, undoubtedly the lowest time for me mentally, physically and emotionally, I'm forced to face my own mortality via some very real situations claiming--or threatening to claim--lives all around me. And I don't want to make this about me because there are folks mourning a whole lot deeper and stronger than I am right now for what's happening, but I don't like to be reminded of death. I suppose it's not really anyone's favorite topic, but me especially. And I really don't like it when it hits close to home.

When K was little she would say how she wanted her whole family to all live in one house so that we'd always be together and no one would ever leave. What a beautifully naive thought--no one ever leaving. How my little baby used to cry her little heart out whenever we had to leave someone's house, or the movie credits began to roll (because the movie was "leaving" her), or someone said goodbye. It's like she knew: this could be the last time I see you. Every time could be the last time I see you.

And that's a frightening thought.

Don't let the last time you see someone you love be unmemorable.

Every time could be the last time.

*smooches...trying to be at peace with the circle of life*
kiss someone and mean it; hug someone and mean it; say I love you and mean it. every-damn-time.