Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Sorry I'm Not

A few weeks ago I found myself at BOOKOFF in Manhattan, and purchased Ani DiFranco's "Not a Pretty Girl" CD, finally. In case you're wondering, this brings the count of Ani CDs I own up to 15, and there are still so many more to be had. Her discography is expansive, folks! It's the musical equivalent of Samuel L. Jackson's filmography.

In any case, "Not a Pretty Girl" contains one song in particular that really helped me come to terms with the fact that in order to be happy (or at least on the road to happy) I needed to hurt a lot of people and end my marriage: "Sorry I Am."

While listening to it again for the first time in a while, I remember that feeling of forgiving myself for having to put me first. Isn't that a funny concept? Apologizing for putting myself first? Well, that's what I have to do sometimes in order to be OK with me, because I was raised to always think of others first:

"Papi gets to serve himself first at dinner because he's the man of the house."
"You have to come home right after school and take care of your sister."
"No more partying for you; you're pregnant."
"No application to Oxford University until you no longer have to worry about your custody agreement."

In about 90% of my life, others come first. When I decided to end my marriage I thought of me first, and Ani helped me be OK with that. Buying this CD brought back all those thoughts and reminded me that it's OK to be OK with some selfishness, even if it comes with an apology.

What do you (need to) apologize to yourself for?

*smooches...not sorry anymore*
in the end, an unhappy wife makes for an unhappy life, no? I did that man a favor!