Monday, December 04, 2006

Oh This Is Gonna Be Fun!!

Someone, who will remain nameless, sent me a song, "Lovin' You" by Javier, that I played on repeat, over and over, before I went to bed. And it moved my funky mood further along to the depths of funkdom. I got a little bummed because the dude in the song is serenading his one true love. We've been over this, I know, the myth of the "One True Love" but it's hard to shake when it's shoved down your throat on iTunes...on repeat...over and over and over.

This brought me to a place no promiscuous 31-year-old should EVER go: reminiscing about ALL of my ex-boyfriends, trying to determine if I had that great love already and let him go. I stupidly opened up that mental Rolodex and read every footnote of every tryst I tried to keep secret even from myself. And now thanks to the wonder that is cyberspace, you, too, can travel back in time with me, and visit (or re-visit for the lucky few who've known me a while) the myriad of, ehm, true-love candidates I've had the pleasure (misfortune?) of being involved with. Please note that I am not counting the fake childhood boyfriends that came around before the age of ten- everybody has those and they're just plain dumb; nor am I counting the tequila-induced mistakes that may or may not have occurred after my separation. Your honor, I plead the fifth...

So here goes. Get a cup of coffee, sit back, and enjoy the ride (no pun intended). This is gonna take a while:
[UPDATE: The names have been changed from actual names to initials to protect the innocent AND the guilty]

1. R- son of a bodega owner with whom my mom hung out. He had to be at least 16 if he was a day; I was twelve. I remember him looking like that rat guy from the Ninja Turtles- remember him? What was that rat's name? If anyone remembers, tell me. Anyway, he was my first date and first kiss. We broke up because I wanted his brother, J, instead.

True-Love-o-Meter: 0. I didn't even feel bad about ditching him for his brother. R was just a notch on my brand new dating belt.

2. J- R's brother. I thought he was the cat's pyjamas! I remember him with caramel skin and soft hair and dreamy bedroom eyes. We also made out a lot, but he was more daring (and older) than R; he would hold me "close" and let me know just how "happy" he was that we were making out. We broke up when my good friend AR came to school with a picture of her new dreamy guess as to who he was...I hear they have three kids now...

True-Love-o-Meter: 2. We would have had pretty babies, but he was not a citizen and you know my foreign policy is not as lenient as that of the Texas/Mexico border. And besides I think he's in jail now...

3. JS- we were in the same grade but I was in the "smart" class and he was...a cute jock. He played basketball like nobody's business and has the most gorgeous light-brown eyes EVER! I was still twelve, but this time, so was he (see; I'm capable of learning!). I think it was 7th grade. We made out a WHOLE lot and it felt oh so cool to date a "bad boy" when I was considered to be such an angel! We broke up because he dumped me for a 14 year old girl with HUMUNGOID breasts. Jokes on him...if he'd just waited a couple more years...

True-Love-o-Meter: 5. I was pretty smitten with him; we were on and off for two years, and you know at that age EVERYTHING is true love. But he wasn't very smart; I would have tired of him.

4. K- I think he was the rebound guy from JS. I barely remember him, except that he wore glasses and I let him get to third base on the eighth grade trip to a dude ranch. We never really broke up, more like faded away and became friends instead, like a fuck buddy except we never had sex.

True-Love-o-Meter: 0. I was using him, plain and simple. Our relationship meant NADA to me.

5. M- he was a senior when I was a freshman in HS; I liked his new-bohemian style and chiseled jaw- very superman from the comics look...yum! Plus older men used to make me drool LOL. I ended things because he wanted to go further than I did (in HS I actually attended church and taught Sunday Catechism classes- don't laugh!).

True-Love-o-Meter: 0. He was a freshman fling; nothing more.

6. E- I'd known him since junior high, but never saw him as a love interest. I remember that he pursued me until I got tired of running and agreed to date him. He had a sexy, James Earl Jones meets Barry White voice that made me flutter and was an awesome kisser! He and I were on and off throughout the latter part of HS I think; after graduation, we took our relationship a little further without going all the way. Sort of like our former Prez and his intern, if you get my drift. But a part of me always saw him as just a really good friend. We broke up because I dumped him in a "Dear E" letter the fall after I went away to college.

True-Love-o-Meter: 7. E and I had a lot of potential to be one of those couples who get married after graduation. But he ruined it by a) not being taller than me and b) converting from Catholicism (again, I was still blindly faithful to the church). When he changed his name to and would preach to me about not eating pork and stuff, I knew it was over for good. They'd brain-washed him. We tried the friendship thing but ended up losing touch sometime after 9/11.

7. LD- he worked with me at McDonald's and was a TAAAALLLLL drink of dark dark water from Panama. That boy made me SWOON with his kisses. We broke up because, like 99% of the Latino men I knew, he had another chick on the side. I told him it's all or nothing with me, he hesitated, and I walked!

True-Love-o-Meter: 2. I would never have tolerated cheating so it was destined to end.

8. DR- he was a guy I used to make E jealous (this was during one of the many times we were "off") that kind of got under my skin. We never went as far as he would have liked, and till this day he says I "owe him one." We're still friends. We broke up because...I don't know why, but it might have had something to do with the fact that he told me: "Jewish guys use Catholic girls for practice."

True-Love-o-Meter: 0. We were of different faiths and socio-economic backgrounds. Our fling was fun-based at best and nothing more. He was an asshole back then but he's a sweetie now and I wouldn't change a thing about our friendship!

9. KV- I met him during orientation freshman year of college. By this time E had started in on me with the not eating pork schpiel and he didn't make time to come visit me in New Jersey at my grandmother's before I went away to school. So I was kind of over him at this point, and KV was a sexy track team member from Grenada with a VERY sexy accent and the smoothest, chocolaty skin EVER! I lost my virginity to him, but we broke up because he was trying to rule me and that is a no-no.

True-Love-o-Meter: 3. He was a cutie but that West Indian machismo shit gets tired REAL FAST!!

10. C- he was a Super Senior when I was a freshman and made the transition away from KV that much easier. He was also the reason I sent E the "Dear E" letter. He was also the one that knocked me up sophomore year and convinced me to marry him in 1999 and have another baby in 2000 (okay, the second baby was my idea...details, details...). I remember falling for his green eyes...I don't think I need to tell you how we broke up...

True-Love-o-Meter: 5. despite the fact that I spent 13 years with him, it was not true love. Between you and me? I was just about to break up with him when I found out I was pregnant all those years ago. I had my eye on a very handsome Kappa Psi brother...but the baby kind of put an end to all that.

11. D- he and I first spoke in January of this year but finally had a "first date" on Cinco de Mayo; he was a definite cutie, Guyanese and loads of fun...and well if we're being honest here, really, really good in bed (hey- you don't read this blog because I candy-coat things- okay?). We broke up in August because he felt that, "If we continue on this path, I feel that things will get really serious, and I'm not ready for all that." I was pretty bitter about that one (some of you remember it well...did I mention how I lost 20lbs?) but am better now. I realized that it was a bruised ego and the ghost of JS coming back to haunt I found a journal entry from two weeks before we broke up where I was contemplating ending things, too. I was just mad because he beat me to it. We still speak once in a blue moon...

...and if you want the 100% uncensored truth? We hooked up again after we broke up. I believe the term is "friends with benefits."

True-Love-o-Meter: 6. I dug him a lot, but he lost points for a) being younger than me, b) not being taller than me, c) being a chain smoker, d) his rampant drug-use (so what if I often joined him...sooooo besides the point) and d) not having a college degree. Seems kind of petty, but I can only speak truth, folks. Sue me! He got a high score for his AWESOME bed skills, though, his caring, selfless nature and his ability to make me laugh as if we'd known each other for years!

Now I know you are all wondering: what about John Cusack? Isn't he your great love? Why isn't John on the list?

Here's where I confess that, although I speak of him often as if we have a real relationship, I realize he is nothing more than my fantasy; he's probably gay or not into Latin chicks. He doesn't know I exist and I am quite content worshipping him from afar. There. I said it.

So wow, from this list it appears that E and I were the best match. But that damn religion thing...if he'd just let up on that...we coulda made it work...another reason to loathe organized religion: it cost me my one true love!

*smooches...with so many notches I had to buy a brand new belt!
Got stains on my t-shirt
and I'm the biggest flirt
Right now I'm solo,
but that will be changing eventually, oh
Got bruises on my heart
and sometimes I get dark
If you want my auto,
want my autobiography
Baby, just ask me