Thursday, December 07, 2006

I'm Being Forced to Read the Paper

So working in PR means you have to know all the major headlines in all the major tri-state area newspapers everyday before 9AM.

Yeah, that's what I said, too.

There is so much information crammed into my poor, beer-soaked brain right now that I think it might implode. Some dude gets shot outside a strip joint by the cops; a boy gets jumped in Union Square; Lindsay Lohan sends some crazy email to her lawyer that is leaked to Page Six...I just can't keep up! The only way to get these stories out of my head is to do the same thing I do when a song just won't leave me alone: write it down.

Here's the recent news, according to me, the Jaded NYer...

1. 50 Bullets
I agree that was excessive, but here's my problem with this story: a) why were they taking the stripper home? b) why did Bell ram his car into the cops? c) why do cops carry around THAT MUCH ammo d) why do black people keep inviting Al Sharpton into their lives? I can't STAND him!

Listen, plain and simple, if dude hadn't been so preoccupied with getting some skanky stripper ass the night before his wedding to his baby momma, his ass would still be alive today.

2. Pelosi and Murtha
I don't usually follow politics, but a couple of weeks ago the NY Times had this cover story on Nancy Pelosi endorsing John P. Murtha as the next House majority leader, and how no one else backed it and they chose some other dude instead. With the article was this pic:

That's Murtha, in the back, to the right, with the STANKEST look on his face, while Pelosi and the REAL House majority leader ham it up for the press. That made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants!

3. You Mean I Gotta Be Sober on My Commute?
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
Commuters on the LIRR are complaining because the bar-car may be abolished. Listen you alcoholics, stop being whiny-assed babies and just have a beer at Charlie O's at Penn Station before you get on the train instead, okay? Geez- it's not the end of the freakin' world. Give your liver a BREAK!

4. News from the Dominican Republic:
A) No More Haitians?
Foreign Relations Minister Carlos Morales Troncoso, a former sugar cane industry executive, highlighted the fact that the trend is for increased investments in farming mechanization that will eliminate the need for Haitian labor in sugar cane fields. Dominicans reject the hard work of sugar cane cutting, which has led to thousands of Haitians being allowed to migrate to the country to take their place. These Haitians live in settlements called bateyes, many languishing today as the number of jobs declines because farms are being mechanized.

But, who will be our scapegoats if the Haitians stop crossing the border to do the work uppidy Dominicans don't want to do? Who?? WHO???

In a press release, the Cerveceria Nacional Dominicana (that produces Presidente beer) says that beer drinkers will be most affected by the fiscal reform, estimating that they will pay more than 36% of RD$ 17.5 billion the government is trying to collect. Currently there is a tax on beer depending on the percentage of alcohol, but the fiscal reform looks to impose a selective tax on beer. Teodoro Hidalgo, Director of Corporate Affairs for Grupo Leon Jimenes, says that this tax increase means that beer in the DR will become one of the most expensive in the hemisphere.

First they take our Haitians, now they want to make it harder to buy beer...why even bother living?

5. Hey, This OrthoTriCyclen Tastes Like Hubba Bubba...
Are they kidding me with this one? Chewable Contraceptive? I can see it now: "Jenny can you please spit out your gum? You know it's not allowed in class" "But Mrs. Funkenmeyer, it's my birth control gum!" Now I guess you can be a whore and chew gum like one, too! Whatever happened to the Rhythm Method, huh? Actually, maybe you shouldn't take birth control advice from me...

Okay, that's enough with the news. My head hurts and I need a shower to take the stench of society off of me.

*smooches...with icky newspaper ink all over the place...*
No creo en Venus ni Marte
No creo en Carlos Marx
No creo en Jean Paul Sartre
No creo en Brian Weiss
Solo creo en tu sonrisa azul
En tu mirada de cristal
En los besos que me das