Because Al-Qaeda Has Now Recruited Geese...

...My ass will not be taking another plane for a lil while.

Did you see that hot mess? Dique a plane in the god-damn Hudson... say WORD? Nuh-uh, these terrorists have gone too far now. I've been giving my landlord the SIDE EYE all weekend: I know what you're up to, Mr. B. I got you on my radar now...

In the meantime, be sure to tune in to tonight's Monday Musings. We're gonna discuss Race Relations, seeing as tomorrow we get a new prez and it's MLK Jr's birthday and all. My co-host is Jack, though, so don't expect the conversation to be TOO serious...



I know a lot of you might be in DC this week partying like rock stars and kissing Obama's ass for all it's worth, but still I encourage you all to tune in and call in and type away in the chat room. Otherwise tonight will just be a Puerto Rican and a Dominican talking shit about why black people and white people got beef. I'm just sayin...

*smooches...fresh from a lovely vacation out west*
----------
oh, and PS- I found the perfect place to meet my next ex-husband... a cool-as-hell sports bar in Park Slope full of lusciously gorgeous men of the chocolate variety... YUM! Thanks for the heads up, Lani!!

The Crazies Flock To Me

They seem normal at first; they compliment my blog, my writing. We exchange words and jokes and tease each other about a variety of benign things. They speak intelligently, have degrees under their belt. They're witty; slaves to pop culture like myself. Hold down jobs, feed and dress themselves like they have some sense.

They seem like cool people.

And then it happens- their Crazy starts to peek out and show it's ass:

DUDE: i was dreaming when i wrote this
DUDE: forgive me if it goes astray
DUDE: but when i woke up this morning
DUDE: coulda sworn it was judgment day
ME: listening to His Purple Majesty
DUDE: nah...just popped in my head
ME: your head is crazy and random
DUDE: you have no idea
DUDE: well...maybe SOME idea
ME: I was gonna say...
DUDE: i swear sometimes my mind is a constant beehive of random
ME: what a visual...
DUDE: ya and inside THAT beehive, is another beehive
DUDE: but inside THAT beehive...a shopping mall
DUDE: its weird
DUDE: not weird that its a shopping mall
DUDE: but weird that its so busy b/c there aren't even any sales and my coupon expired
ME: *backs away slowly from IM window*
DUDE: what? what'd i say?

*smooches...happy that I won't be alone at Bellevue*
----------
when it's all said and done, if nothing else, I've met the most INTERESTING people in my lifetime...

In Poland, I'm A Superstar!

Ok, maybe not exactly a superstar per se, but I have (a) fan(s) in Poland that reads this blog on the regular. Comrade, I don't know who you are, and you don't have to say who you are, but thanks for stopping by!

After reading this Bangs and a Bun post in which she greeted her lurkers/readers, I remembered that HEY! I have sitemeter, too... so I checked it out and guess what? A LOT of people read this drivel I post. Amazing, huh?

I didn't know I was so popular *POSES, smiling with eyes* but I appreciate the love. I get those sitemeter reports from time to time and I see the numbers, but I figure it's high because *I* visit my own damn blog so much (looking for typos n shit like an anal-retentive lunatic) on a daily basis.

But the numbers don't lie- you like me... you really, really like me!!

*sniffle*

So not including my 22 loyal friends/family/subscribers, my 35 randomly anonymous RSS feed subscribers, my lovely blog family and the U.S. lurkers from Potsdam to New Orleans, I have international readers from: Romania, England, Australia, Georgia (yes, THAT Georgia... aren't they busy with a war or something?), Canada (hey Muireanne!), Sweden, Venezuela, Germany (Hey, Sophia!), France, Poland and Greece.

-SOAPBOX TIME-
You know what's really incredible? All of those international readers can read in English (not including Canada, Australia and England, which already speak English), but I can't read/speak/understand many of their respective languages. Sad, isn't it?

People across the water are much more prepared for this global environment we're living in than Americans. We're debating on whether English should be the official national language and kids in Europe are learning languages left and right while our kids worship Blue's Clues and other such nonsense. BOOOO to us for being so narrow-minded.

The next person who screams "SPEAK ENGLISH!" to a foreigner in the streets or in a restaurant or whatever, including myself ('cause I'm guilty of that shit, too), is gonna get smacked in the back of the neck by yours truly's inner BIOTCH. I think that's fair warning... why don't YOU speak French? Or Arabic? Mhmm... siddity-ass Americans...
-MESSAGE!-

Now, please excuse me while I go hand over my paycheck to the Berlitz Language Company, so I can properly address my international audience...

In the meantime, please enjoy this lil gift from me to you; another tale from my manuscript:

Fresh Bruises, Part 1
Fresh Bruises, Part 2

*smooches...for all the readers everywhere*
----------
for the Frenchies: Bienvenue y merci pour visiter ma page. Ne soyez pas réservés; sejournez un peu de temps!

for my Polskis: Dzieki, ze wpadles. Czuj sie jak u siebie w domu.

and for the S. American crowd: muchisimas gracias por visitar mi blog! no seas timido- estas en su casa... buen' 'provecho!

(those are the only languages I could work with right now... don't be mad at me Romania, Sweden and Georgia!)

Yes, Sometimes It Is Hard To Be A Mets Fan...

JACK (via email): I ordered pizza just yesterday. Carlos Delgado came to the door. Weird.

If you don't know what he's talking about, it's the fakakta patch the Mets have added to the 2009 jerseys to commemorate the new stadium.

Critics are comparing it to the Domino's logo and I can't even blame them... look at this mess:



And look at the one the Yankees came up with:



*deep sigh*

As if Yankee fans aren't already the most arrogant, obnoxious, boisterous and irritating people on the planet, now we have to deal with this bullshit.

I feel like this patch is a test of my loyalty. Well, I ain't going nowhere, not after years and years of losing, not after sticking us with Minaya, and definitely NOT over some stupid patch that will only be on the uniforms for one season.

I'm not that kind of fan. I started with them, I'll finish with them, wherever that road may lead... I'm ride or die for them fools, god help me...

But quietly, how much do you want to bet that Minaya is behind this? OOOOH, I HATE THAT MAN!!!!!!!

*smooches...still a Mets fan, through and through*
----------
nothing will ever change that... I'm like the musicians on the Titanic with this team... I'm going down with the ship if I have to!

So It Seems I Have Some Issues To Work Out

LORDY LORD LORD... did you catch the show last night? No? Well honey child HERE is the link to the show: Mars vs. Venus

And HERE is the link to the blog about the show: Mars vs. Venus Blog

Listen and then share... trust me, you need to listen. It was so crazy we never got through all the talk points, so you know what that means? PART TWO, this April, bitchezzzzzz!

And now on to our regularly scheduled post...

-------------------

This has been heavy on my mind since my Dating After Divorce segment with Cathi, and especially after last night's tomfoolery...

It has become quite evident that the reason I don't have a man and can't find a man is because... I don't want a man. At least not for a while. So forget this whole thing about me being open to the possibility of romance. I. Don't. Wanna.

(I know some of you were hoping that sentence would end with me in the middle of some torrid lesbian love affair... sorry, I left that mess back in '04...)

I don't want to put in any work on another new human right now; I have too many people to keep track of as it is. I don't want to compromise right now when I know I'm right at the threshold of my dream. I'm enjoying my me time and don't feel like sharing- point blank: I'm in Selfish Mode and I think I'm going to be here for a little bit.

I'm still dealing with learning to trust people, to like myself and to juggle the whole mom thing with the dating thing, because right now it's all just a mess in my brain.

Now I know my girlie parts are cursing me out as I type this but whatever- I'm the boss here. And besides, bitches already had enough fun to hold them over a good long while so they ALL need to shut the fuck up. Sex was fun and all, but I'm on hiatus.

When I think of a relationship these days, I actually feel suffocated. Like the dude is going to see this happy, carefree soul and think, "How can I tame her and keep her under my thumb?"

I enjoy coming and going whenever I feel like it. One day I'm in Massachusetts the next I could be in DC and then I could hop a flight to LA and not have to do anything more than make sure the babies are with their dad or my mom. Imagine if I had a man and wanted to hop around the globe like that- do you know anyone that would put up with that?

And frankly, I'm just not ready to be out there or in a relationship. I thought I had to be because, well, I don't know... I just did. But now I'm realizing that no, I don't. Of course I want companionship and all that- who doesn't? But when I actually try to imagine it I can taste a hint vomit in the back of my throat.

I think that's a sign.

But Cathi hit the nail on the head when she said to me: You need the male version of you. BINGO. I think that's exactly who I will be on the lookout for when I'm ready to get out there again.

A Jaded NYer with a penis and more testosterone than yours truly (at least I HOPE!). Imagine the possibilities...

Until then... I'm living the:

Cameo - Single Life
by Cameo-official

*smooches...really pleased with my decision*
----------
watch dudes come out the woodwork now that I've taken myself off the market... ain't that always the way?