Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Four Pounds Of Excuses: A Healthy Jaded Update

Take a good look at what weeks of skipping workouts and eating like a fat pig look like:

I don't think you're ready for this jelly... I'm not even ready for it!

YUP. I've gotten bigger since my last fitness post and I'm pretty disgusted with myself. All that hard work this summer and for what? Sub-par pizza and wings from Dominoes? FOR SHAME, RAQUEL, FOR SHAME!

::takes a moment to admonish self some more::

OKAY. Now that that's over and done, let's make it all better by getting back on the right path. The whole trying to work out at night didn't work for me because really- who the hell wants to put in a full day and then go work out? That's that bullshit! (c) Smarty P. Jones

Yoga at night is not a problem. I pretty much look forward to it at night even though it can be a tough workout; it's still very relaxing and centering. But boot camp and all that? AT NIGHT? Pffft!

So I asked another parent if N could tag along with her and her daughter to school in the AM and that is working out beautifully. HELLO FREE MORNINGS! Now I just have to come face to face with the fact that I must part ways with my bed (my flannel sheets, jammies and duvet cover are EVERYTHING) before the sun's out. Plus:

1- I'm back to a modified Primal eating style, 80/20 to be exact, because strict diets are for people who have nothing better to do than harp over ever morsel of food they eat. I'm going to sprinkle cheese on something once in a while. I will eat a bag of Fritos during PMS Week. And Baby Jesus help you if you try and come between me and my momma's yellow rice on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

2- I shall brave the darkness and go back to my classes. BLAH. I already explained how awesome my bed situation is but in addition to that cottony heaven, there's a rapist loose in Park Slope. I didn't want to act like I care but I CARE and it's rather scary. But I'll put on my game face, carry a weapon and just do what I gotta do. If you see an angry Dominican walking along Fourth Avenue before dawn just steer clear.

3- I've joined up with other bloggers/twitter friends on that 30-Day Ab Challenge I mentioned yesterday, which will be a true test of my ability to workout at home. I have limited space and even less discipline (especially if no one is standing over me yelling "COME ON, PENZO! GET THAT FAT ASS OFF THE GROUND!) but it is something I am going to have to overcome ::sings Negro spirituals::

4- Sundays will find me cooking and food shopping as if a hurricane's a-comin'! I find that it's always when I don't have anything convenient to make for dinner that the credit card comes out and the Dominoes appears at my door.

5- I don't have a #5 but yesterday I did a list with only THREE items... you can't expect me to only have one with FOUR today. My entire world will implode. Is that what you want? An imploded Jaded Empire?!?!?!

So this is it; this is how I shall greet the holidays: fit & fabulous! I'll have a regular, sustainable routine and you will BOW DOWN TO MY AWESOMENESS once I reach my fabulous goal (which now has an ETA of May 23, 2012). You will wish you were me. You will cry in your pillow because you can't be me and you will hide ya kids, ya wives AND ya husbands from the greatness that is Healthy Jaded.

OR you'll make sure and read the blog all next week in order to get your shit on point, too, as I devote it to all things fitness. Just one week, though, I promise, then I'll go back to yelling at kids on the subway and threatening your lives.

*smooches...ready for the homestretch*
this must be what it feels like to run a start out strong, start to lose it somewhere in the middle and then see the finish line and get this sudden surge of determination...