On Blast: March 2007

This is a new feature that I'm starting: every month I will put those "on blast" who have angered me or my people in any way. So watch your back- you don't want to find yourself in these posts...

N- for giving me fever cooties the same week my killer cramps were due

VP at Jack's Job- for being an all-around prick and threatening his livelihood

Irene's Hubby- for not cleaning out the GD closet like she asked him to a GAZILLION TIMES!!

Dude I met on MG- for still trying to IM me after I told you to get lost

My ex- for allowing his wackness to affect my Federal tax returns by $505.00...rat bastard...

G.H. at work- for being the sloppiest "professional" graphic designer with whom I've ever had the misfortune of working

Kinko's- for making me wait so damn long for my shyt, which I'd already paid for...isn't that the point of using the online services? To not have to wait??

The CL DUO- Bohemian and Mellie Mel- one for thinking I was a booty-call and the other for trying to make me chase him...I think not, fellas...keep it movin'...

The UFA Ladies- for stinking up the 3rd floor bathroom with their nasty cigarettes and cheap, hooker-ish perfume. Must I gag everytime I go to urinate?

NYS and TurboTax- for lying about how long it would take to get my state refund...9 days my ass...

Allcott Group- for not getting my paycheck correct not once in three months...ya'll SUCK AZZ!

*no smooches!!*
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it just all slips

away so slowly

you don't even notice 'til you've lost a lot

i've been like one of those zombies

in vegas

pouring quarters into a slot

I Don't Like To Take Up Causes

This world is not perfect.

People get shot for just walking to the corner store. Natural disasters take out entire villages. Innocent babies are thrown in the trash shortly after being born. These are a given. I hear about stuff like that and I let it roll off my back. Because I have to.

I'm not strong enough to care.

My psyche is fragile at best. If I had to sit and read the stats on how many children die of starvation or malnutrition everyday, while I overeat on a regular basis, throwing out perfectly good fruit because it has a tiny bruise, it will kill me. If I watched every documentary on the mistreatment of POWs or cattle or the earth, knowing that I don't recycle regularly and that I still eat meat on occasion, I'd hide in a corner of my closet and never come out.

I don't want to know that KFC slaughters its chickens by kicking them around and slamming them up against a wall. I just want to enjoy a 3-pc meal at the mall and be done with it.

I don't want to know that the milk I love to drink- like it's my JOB- is obtained inhumanely. I just want to down a glass with a short stack of apple-cinnamon pancakes and not know where it comes from.

I don't want to know that every time I forget to turn my lights off at night I'm contributing to the impending power shortage that this world is facing. I just want to keep the boogie-man away and watch movies all night.

And I really, really didn't want to know that Japanese fisherman hunt whales and dolphins in the most vicious and cruel manner, as seen in this video here:



This doesn't help me. This doesn't make me want to lead the charge against Japanese fisherman. All it does is make me feel powerless and depressed and selfish. I know that more than half of the horrible things happening to poorer nations and helpless animals benefit my way of life in some way. And although I know that a lot of this is wrong to the 100th power, I don't want to lose my comfort zone.

So I'll sign petitions to keep the government from drilling in the Arctic Wildlife Reserve, to save the polar bears and whales and dolphins. But I won't march, and chances are, I'll never stop drinking milk.

However, each time something like this surfaces, I lose a little more respect for the human race.

And myself.

*smooches...with a dash of shame and an ounce of apathy*
-----------
imagine what loneliness
will drive someone to do
now multiply that times me
and multiply that times you
now imagine what it would take to make
this all happen again
and just when you think you're gonna cry
multiply that times ten

Why Yes, This is TMI...

It's been four man-less months.

Didn't think I could do it, did ya? Thought I'd cave around Valentine's Day because I didn't have anyone? Little did you know I NEVER celebrate that Hallmark holiday, man or not, so it did not phase me at all. I'm tap-dancing all the way to April as celibate as priest who actually takes his vows seriously.

I've found other ways to fill my time on nights and weekends when the pickneys are gone.

Sometimes I'll watch movies until my retinas burn out.

Sometimes I'll sleep until I develop bedsores.

And sometimes I'll order in something so fattening and filling that the thought of doing the do makes me want to vomit and I pass out on the couch.

When I start feeling the ill-withdrawal shakes, I'll go so far as spending the weekend with my mom. Nothing kills a skanky libido faster than a bible-quoting, church-loving, judgemental Dominican mom. She's been such a help and doesn't even know it!

This weekend will be no different:

• Friday- working all night on three different freelance assignments
  
• Saturday- cleaning my apartment, laundry, girls' poker night (no men allowed!)
  
• Sunday- another freelance gig all morning, brunch w/mom and friends, pickneys back by dinner

See how anonymous, NSA, junglistic, sweaty, nasty, heart-pounding activities with a booty call just do not fit into that schedule?

*smooches...with a chastity belt made out of pure will and determination*
---------------
virtue is relative at best
there's nothing worse than a sunset
when you're driving due west
and i'm afraid that my love
is gonna come up short
that there is no there there
i guess i'm scared
'cuz i want to have good news to report
every time i come up for air

I'm A Little Bit Nosy, I'm A Little Bit Rock n Roll

When you see me walking towards the F-train on 23rd Street with my NY face on, I'm not usually thinking, "Move, bitch, get out the way." Sometimes I'm thinking, "You might as well speak up, bitch, I can't hear everything you just said."

You know what I'm talking about- all those bitches who take the phrase "outdoor voice" just a bit too literal, to the point where you might be tempted to weigh in on the discussion being forced down your ear canal.

Here are some of the golden nuggets I've had the (dis)pleasure of being privy to:

Woman on Lexington and 23rd: A real landlord would take a check, right?

Yes. Yes he would...as opposed to the fake landlords that take Spanish Doubloons. Those guys are wicked fake!

Ghetto Mama on Madison and 23rd: ...and I told him 2 broke females will not fuck you up...

...but the refurbished ones have at least 90 days from when the beef started to kick your ass.

NYU Tart in The Village: Say we're all vegan, right, wouldn't we just be taking all of their [the animals'] food?

We? Bitch, who is this "we" of which you speak? Now excuse me- you're blocking the entrance to McDonald's!

Heavy Metal Poser at Virgin Mega Store: This music today is ass! They just don't make guitar legends like [Marilyn Manson's] Daisy Berkowitz...

OMG! I just want Hendrix to rise up out of the ground and beat you senseless with Daisy's severed ARM!!!

*smooches...with too many outside voices competing with the indoor ones*
-----------
i wonder what you look like
under your t-shirt
i wonder what you sound like
when you're not wearing words
i wonder what we have
when we're not pretending
it is never ending
haven't you heard

Maybe He Did C, F and R...

Maybe I watch too many movies. Maybe as a writer I can't help but to NOT take things at face value and instead allow my imagination to get away from me, creating fantastical versions of truth.

Maybe I have trust issues with the current Administration. But whatever it is, I find it hard to believe that we actually have, in our possession, the person responsible for EVERY TERRORIST ATTACK EVER who is more than willing to fess up to everything...and show remorse:

'I DID 9/11 FROM A TO Z'

By ANDY SOLTIS, New York Post

March 15, 2007 -- Khalid Sheik Mohammed, the mastermind of 9/11, confessed to that atrocity and a string of other major al Qaeda attacks, according to a chilling transcript of a closed-door hearing released last night.

"I was responsible for the 9/11 operation, from A to Z," Mohammed boasted during his appearance at the U.S. military prison camp at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Mohammed compared himself to George Washington as he claimed responsibility for planning, financing, and training a string of other attacks, including the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center and the horrific blast at a Bali nightclub in 2002 that killed 202 people.

In a bizarre, rambling confession he also boasted of playing the major role in al Qaeda plots that failed.

These including attempts to assassinate Presidents Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, and the bid by would-be shoe bomber Richard Reid to blow up a trans-Atlantic flight with explosives hidden in his shoes.

He denied he was "making myself [a] hero" but portrayed al Qaeda as a valiant band of Muslim fundamentalists.

"When we made . . . war against America, we are jackals fighting in the nights," he said in his first statement made public.

He accused the U.S. of starting every war it took part in and said it was bound to suffer fatalities.

"It's your war," he declared.

But he added, "I'm not happy that 3,000 [were] killed in America," referring to the 9/11 victims. "I feel sorry, even. I don't like to kill children and kids."

In all, Mohammed said he was responsible directly or in part for 31 attacks.

Excuse me? Do I look like I fell off the Hillbilly truck with my brother/uncle/husband and 12 inbred children??

And don't give me that, "people are capable of remorse" bullshit. And I especially don't want to hear that our intelligence operatives did a really stellar job and found the culprit. Because I don't own a shovel big enough to dig out of that mess.

I will, however, give dude props for sticking to his guns:

Before he launched his broken-English speech, he refused to take an oath because that would mean "that I'm accepting American Constitution, American law or whatever you are doing here."

This man is a scapegoat. Because Bush and his League of Extraordinary Idiots started a war they cannot win and cannot end. And Bin Ladin is chillin somewhere in South Beach with a harem of hoes LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF!

Don't get me wrong- I love this country. Any other place would probably not allow me to write so brazenly against the elected officials chosen to represent me to the world. Only in America can I write, "G.W. is a slack-jawed yokel redneck" and get a way with it.

But sometimes, man, I just don't know...

*smooches...in a steaming pile*
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up up up up up up points the
spire of the steeple
but god's work isn't done by god
it's done by people